Visitation

I got my first visit with John on June 2nd. I was scheduled for 11:45am and it's about a 2.5 hour drive. I left at 8am and listened to worship music the whole drive. It was actually peaceful, but I had a million things running through my head. For those of you who know me, know my anxiety skyrockets when I'm in an unfamilar place. I'm always planning and thinking the worst.

I get there an hour early so I go to the local gas station to use the bathroom. I also drink 938583 gallons of water and the bladder doesn't hold like it use to. I grabbed a twix KING SIZE candy bar and sat in my car savoring the flavor. The time went super quick and before I could eat the last one, I had to head to the prison.

I parked in the very last parking spot furthest from the doors. Hey, I just ate a KING size candy bar this walk might burn 5 calories! I'm waiting for other visitors to come but it's getting close to the check-in time. I see one lady walk in and I follow her move to see what door she goes through. Some how, some way I lose sight of her and didn't see her walk in, LOL a typical Red move. I managed to calm down and head for the doors.

Only I would manage to walk through the wrong way. I checked in and the CO said "who you here to visit". Do you want the name or number? He replies "the name". Simple enough. I sign in, give him my ID and head over to the lockers. I am next to an older lady who says "you wouldn't have change would you". I'm a simpleton and ask her "why for what". She says "I didn't realize the machine only took a $5.00 bill and I brought all one's". Honestly, I only asked her so I can follow her move to see what she's doing. Maybe I needed to do the same thing? Luckily I did have an extra $5.00 and I gladly handed it over. I explained to her that this was my first time and I'm clueless normaly, but this is totally out of my realm. She smiled and said "me too", and a sigh of relief rushed over me. I no longer felt out of place.

I sat in the waiting room with about 10 other individuals, all of which appeared to be experts (minus the friend I made). I sat back and listened to their conversations in hopes of learning something new. I am instantly flooded with sadness and the tears start rolling down. I'm trying not to be so obvious but I think the "sniffles" gave it way. I am pinching my leg trying to calm down so I don't start hyperventilating. I tried thinking of other things but nothing was working. The only thing I could think of was how incredibly unfair this is.

The deputy called us back and we headed to a cafeteria with a beautiful mural along the walls. We had to check in at another desk and each visitor was assigned a table.

I sat at mine with the normal dumb RED look I typically have, patiently and anxiously awaiting my man to come out. The tables start to fill up and my little JM has yet to come out. My eyes are wandering at this point and I'm trying not to stare at the other inmates and their visitors, but I had no where else to look. I finally turn my head to the deputy station and

there he is, my man signing in for his visit!

He walks over to the table and I jump up to give him the biggest hug I've ever given him and he kisses me on the forehead. He looks frail, thin, and defeated. My eyes start to get watery, but I'm trying to fight the urge of having a total melt down because I know it'll upset him. I tell him how good he looks and asked how much he weighed. He said "I'm down to 253". Ehhh, 70lbs in 3.5 is a huge amount of weight to lose.

I asked if he felt "healthier". He said "not really I'm still in constant pain, I can't see, and I'm getting headaches all the time. His voice is totally different, he sounds like a middle school teenager who just hit puberty. It's obvious he has some damage from when he was on the ventilator. I swear he looks 25! I continue to stare at him hoping and praying we'll survive this and live a prosperous life together.

He was dying to have a pepsi, so that's the first thing he got. Another inmate had encouraged him to get the chicken sandwhich from the vending machine and that's exactly what he did. It actually looked delicious and smelled yummy, he said "it's pretty good". He ate his lunch as I looked around at the other tables. Some were playing cards, some where playing board games. I asked him if he wanted to play anything and he said "no I just want to talk".

That's all we did. We spent three hours talking about whatever was on his mind. He filled me in on some of his prison friends and what he does during the day. He asked about his family and friends and said "tell everyone I haven't been calling because my days are pretty full now that I'm doing things". He then tells me "I'm angry", he talks about the incident with another guy and he becomes hateful. I totally understand where he is coming from, but the Godly woman I am trying to be says "you need to ask God to take the anger babe you have to let it go". Yet, I'm angry too.

Hypocritical of me to "preach" when I'm consumed with anger. How can you not be? Your whole life changed over a .05 second fight or flight mode response. It's still so hard to process. We took a picture with the "beach" as the backdrop (you can laugh). They printed them out and before we knew it our three hours were up. We huged, kissed and said "goodbye" and I headed towards the locked door and stood until the other visitors got in line so we could all walk out together. I grabbed my stuff from my locker and went to the car.

I sat there for about 7 minutes trying to keep it together, but I couldn't. I just left the man I've spent the last 5 years with and can now only see him once a week. No dinner dates, late night grocery shopping, or weekend binge fests. Just me, working my life away and trying to figure out my next move.

I've been asked numerous times if I am seeing someone to help me process. The short answer is "no", the long answer-eventually, maybe, hopefully some day. Right now, I am trying to survive. I have a million other things to focus on and it doesn't include counseling, right now. I appreciate all the concerns and well wishes. I truly hope you all know if this man was a violent, abusive man, there is absolutely no way I'd be in his corner.

We are searching for the truth, and I will advocate and share our story until it comes out. I've given every thing I have to God and I know when the day comes, John and I (and our kids) will live that prosperous life, together!