I've been checking the Supreme Court docket religiously for the last two weeks. Each night I'd anxiously prepare myself for the worst but hope I'd see "accepted." My God has answered more prayers than I ever imagined, but I am still so angry we have not gotten the justice John deserves.
Last night, after work, I checked the docket in a hurry only to see the word "disposed" next to his name. A simple word with a degrading meaning, "Disposed," to me, means disregarded, dumped, unworthy. This is how my dysfunctional mind works.
I read part of the response as I was in a hurry to get to a self-defense class. As I'm driving to the class, my body becomes overwhelmed with hate. I become angry, defeated, bitter. I have a full-blown screaming session with God, trying to hold back the tears. I get lost on my way to the class and become more enraged. I am miserable.
I sit in a room filled with 2nd Amendment pro-gun individuals, a police officer, and a father with his sons. I listen to the instructor tell us what NOT to do in a self-defense case. Guess what? It's everything John did during his incident.
He explained to us that under no circumstances should you talk with the police or detective. Always, without hesitation, ask for an attorney. Guess what John did three hours after the shooting? During his 19-minute interview/interrogation, he told them everything. Know what they did? They used it to charge him with two counts of murder and felonious assault.
We were also educated on the physical and mental effects a traumatic event can have on the body and mind. The adrenaline combined with the endorphin rush has altered your decision-making, causing tunnel vision and memory loss. It is almost impossible for you to remember in detail what happened.
Did you know when law enforcement is involved in a shooting, they have 2-5 days before being questioned? Yet a civilian is questioned instantly, and anything they say will be used against them. A police officer who has been trained and educated is able to go mute for 2-5 days, but we, the American people, are questioned instantly?
I am so angry we are here. I am hateful towards a multitude of people. I don't even know where to start. I blame myself for a lot of John's misfortune. The constant "what-if" he never met me. I am disgusted that I wasn't this involved prior to the trial. I am angry I didn't listen to him when he wanted certain things, that I always sided with the attorney! Who does that? Who sides with everyone and everything else but the man you're madly in love with? What the heck was the reason?
John said from day 1, "I don't want to film. I don't care about a TV show." Yet, after hearing the compelling argument from the lead attorney, I sided with him and encouraged John to do it. "Babe, I think he's right. This will show your side of the story and the corrupt world we live in." When it did everything but that.
I am annoyed with our attorney (HI) who should have demanded a mistrial the second the jurors said they voted wrong. The very second! What kind of deal did you have with the prosecutor, or was it the judge you owed?
So many key factors, so much evidence left out, leaving the jury to create a version of the story on their own. Jury instructions that should have been argued, but weren't? We are normal law-abiding citizens, never in any trouble! How the hell were we supposed to know the do's and don'ts? We trusted people. I trusted everyone but John. Nauseating!
Part of me wants to crawl into a corner and die a miserable, painful death. The other part wants to sit outside the courthouse screaming "CORRUPT" and continue his fight.
I just don't know if I have it in me. I'm utterly defeated. How am I supposed to remain hopeful and positive for him when I have a million doubts myself? Where is our God? John didn't have a good life. Homeless at 15, addicted parents, a wife that cheated regularly (one with a local police chief), and a daughter (and wife) who used him financially. Where was God when John needed Him? Explain, where was He?
John told me a few stories from his childhood. The one that stuck out the most was when he and some friends were being "punks" and set something on fire. John and his brother sat in JJC for days (maybe weeks) while the rest of his friends got attorneys and were released. When telling this story, John said, "I knew at that moment I never wanted to go back." So he built a life that didn't involve criminal activity, drama, or chaos. You know who did, though? His wife.
John is basically being punished for being married to a sociopath, a manipulative, money-hungry, evil woman. A woman responsible for the death of two men, yet she is walking around scot-free without a care in the world. Someone, MAKE IT MAKE SENSE!
I don't get it, and I suppose I never will. I hate our system; I hate the corrupt world we live in. I hate politics, government officials, attorneys, uneducated people. Yet I feel compelled to be all of them.
I want to be a politician to change laws, a detective so I can unveil the truth, an attorney to fight for those who have been wrongfully convicted, and an uneducated woman so I can fool the town with my stupidity. This way, they never consider me to be the culprit of any wrongdoing.
If you truly think about it, she got away with the perfect crime. A boyfriend who was leaving her and a husband who had moved on. She had nowhere to live and could never support herself financially. I bet she thought, "I can kill two birds with one stone if I tell him..." There is literally no other motive.
Some days I wish I were evil; it would make it less painful when I pray for her at night and easier to plot against her. Instead, God has given me the ability to pray for her and not hate her. Although I am still working on the forgiving part, I do feel less anger towards her. My only regret is listening to everyone else and not meeting her when she asked. Maybe that was God's way of protecting me.
Whatever. I'll go to bed tonight like I do every night, thanking God for the blessings, asking for forgiveness for my sins, and begging for justice and guidance. Until then, I am going to wallow in my self-pity like I typically do when I am defeated!
Like always, God got me! You better believe the comeback is always greater than the setback.
Philippians 4:13 : I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
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