We were three weeks away from trial and every emotion we could experience, we did. John and I were both on edge. We were obviously scared, worried, anxious, fearful of the unknown. We lashed out a few times on each other, nothing major.
I was picking up every extra shift work offered, averaging 65-80hr a week just to stay busy and focused. For some reason I believed if I didn't think about it, it didn't exist. If I ignored the "what-if's" then they won't happen. I picked work over spending time with him, and I'll never get it back.
He used to tell me "You're going to regret this quit working so much". I'd laugh it off or get mad at him for saying it because then it meant "I won't see you again". I refused to believe there was a possibility of him not coming home. I got a new car in December with payments out of my price range. I often panicked over the payment and wanted to make sure I was never behind. He always said, "you know I'll help you just stay". He must have asked me to stay a hundred times, and I was always eager to go to work.
All the weekends I opted for work instead of movie nights and binge fest, will forever haunt me. If I could do it all over again, I would have spent every waking moment with him. Movie nights, family dinners, adventures, or week-end-getaways. I truly am delusional for thinking "he'll be okay". Dumb, dumb girl.
We drove to Tennessee the end of January of 2023. It was so beautiful; we escaped reality for a few days, and it was breath taking. It wasn't enough time. We also celebrated my 40th in Geneva. We had three nights of making memories and living in the moment. Not one regret from those adventures.
The regret I carry so deeply in my soul is a heartache I hope none of you will ever experience. Every single time I think about those extra shifts, and time away from him, it's like a gut wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach. Why do I love this man so much?
Don't get it twisted; John is a PITA. He's like a 12-year-old kid who takes very little serious. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it was when you want to have those deep, intense conversations with. He's someone that I annoyed daily, he's someone that made me laugh for doing something crazy. He's genuine, he loves hard but has been burned too many times.
He's dorky, loveable, kind, compassionate, and MY "BIG sexy". Not too many people can deal with my crazy, and John handled it well. I'm not sure how he did it for five years, but he did. We had our fair share of arguments; I don't know how many times I walked away. When things got tough, I'd leave. It's the one thing I always did in relationships. I'd run.
We ate more take-out in the three weeks leading up to trial then we did in five years. He ordered all of his favorite foods, and if you know John, you know he has a ton! I have a feeling February is going to be rough on me. Every memory, every smell, every song, every food is going to bring up something traumatic.
Be gentle this month. We completed our first year of incarceration. Only 17 to go.
KEEP PRAYING! We still need God's guidance. We need a Miracle.
Luke 18:27: "What is impossible with man is possible with God"
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