I had a crying spell on my way home from work the other night. Totally random, but when these thoughts consume me, man do they take over!
I talked to John before bed like I do every night, but he called later than usual. It’s extremely hard not to think of the worst when he’s in a place with 2400 other men.
I immediately asked, “what happened”, knowing my intuition is usually right. He said he was stuck in medical since 6:45p because his blood pressure was at “stroke” level. 😩
He’s had high blood pressure for years, even at a normal weight his blood pressure was always high. Heart attack in his 30’s with an enlarged heart. My babes is a medical disaster.
He quit taking all his medication a few weeks ago, he would rather die than be where he is. Every single day I do my best trying to get him to see the “positives”, when part of me has lost hope.
He always comes back with “put yourself in my position it’s impossible I can’t do this”. I take a moment to envision myself in a prison with 2400 other women and I’m not entirely sure I’d be able to survive it. How can I expect him to? Anxiety is real. Depression is real. Men, women, children. Everyone is suffering and NO ONE EVER TALKS ABOUT IT!
I am a firm believer of God mapping out our lives. A mother at 19, that was him. A borderline alcoholic, pill popper with no will to survive. I tell everyone God gave me my girls to save me! He knew what I needed, and he delivered.
I look back at the last five years of my life and every single major event had had a “purpose”. I met John in 2019 as a confidence boost. It wasn’t supposed to be a “forever” relationship. We both were searching for the pieces to heal us.
A miscarriage 8 months later? I hated life. I was mad at God, I was bitter. I spent about a month in bed and the next year barely hanging out, but I survived. Our feelings for each other were getting a little more intense so we pushed each other away. We were on a “break” when the incident took place in 2022. He knew I loved him, and I knew he loved me.
I often wonder what would have happened that day if I was home and went with him. Could I have stopped it, could I have been the one to pick her up? Even a phone call. I decided to go to the pool that morning and leave my phone in the condo. What if I would have called him a second before he pulled into the driveway. Would that have changed anything?
The month we were on the “break” I begged God to remove him from me if he wasn’t meant to be in my life. I left his house one night after a disagreement and begged, cried and begged God to take him from me. Is this him answering that prayer?
Those 19 months we were in and out of court I begged and pleaded with God to let the truth out. “Please God expose the truth”. Yet on February 28th he failed me. I put my trust and faith in God, and I am left shattered, utterly broken!
A week later I got the call that jurors came forward regarding the verdict. I remember walking out of work when the attorney called. He said “I don't want to get you excited but” … I sat in my car and sobbed, hoping and praying this would change everything. Yet it didn’t change a thing.
In March I thought I’d be a patient on the behavioral unit, so I started blogging instead. The week John was in the hospital after his suicide attempt, we had NO clue if he’d survive or not, and if he did would he have brain function? I prayed every night. Begging and pleading again to God to let him survive this. Seven days later he’s off the vent, eating, taking his meds, and eating. I don’t know who the nurse was in ICU that prayed with him, but I LOVE YOU and hope you’re doing well in life!! To the nurse at the Mahoning County Jail who refused to give up when the other staff “called” it. Thank you! Every life is precious, and you saved him!
Unfortunately, our motion got denied during sentencing and the Judge wouldn’t even consider the possibility the jurors got it wrong! EIGHTEEN TO FREAKING LIFE! The Judge could have taken a lot of things into consideration during sentencing, but because we got outside council and challenged Mahoning County, she gave him the MAX!
In May I went back to church. I tried a few local ones out but ended up at my childhood church. I feel the most comfortable there. I prayed every single night while John was in the process of getting his parent institution. I prayed he wouldn’t be a level 3/4 & end up in some wild prison. The odds weren’t in my favor! I posted on one of my prayer groups & had about 60 people from all over the world praying for him.
I got the call a few days later that he was classified as a 2 & going to a drug filled prison! I prayed again, had several conversations with God about John. once again, begging and pleading. I got the call two days later that he went to a milder prison. Hallelujah! My GOD is good!
He was in a wild dorm. Young guys doing drugs with major behavior problems. I prayed he’d get moved, and a week later he did. He got moved to a unit with VA guys and laid-back men. Power of prayer!!
I am often told God knows our plans before we are even born. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. I can’t quite figure out why he would make John suffer the way he has. Then I think about all the lessons to be learned and wonder if this is his way of challenging John.
John is timid with anxiety, so did God put John with 2400 other men so he can learn how to cope? John also lacks social skills so is this God’s way of helping him grow? John has never been sure what his purpose is. Yet John told me a few weeks ago that he wants to start a nonprofit for prisoners to help with medical needs. Was this all apart of Gods plan?
I refuse to believe that God brought me John five years ago only to take him from me. Yet I am having a hard time believing we’re going to survive this! My future involves John & what if we don’t make it? We are banking on an appeal in a county that hates him. With the media only reporting biased information.
Keep protecting us, heal his heart and mind. We need you now more than ever.
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