The past is calling...

I often joke with a friend about how men from our past always, and I mean always circulate back around. Sometimes I'm flattered by it and then others I'm like "c'mon dude you had every opportunity". One guy in particular always messages me at the most random times. I could go months, even years without hearing from him and then BAM I have a message usually asking, "how have you been". This guy, I'm usually flattered when I hear from him.

Yesterday, I heard from him. I've been harassing people about joining my blog, so I'll send SNAP videos to my friends on there to get a bigger audience. He saw the video and later sent me a test asking how to join. I, of course send him the code and a min later he is a member. We then went back and forth on who to blame for things not working out between us. I confessed my issues at the time, and he took no responsibility for his. Typical man, huh?

I genuinely liked this man. I lit up like a Christmas tree every time I heard from him and to be honest, he was one of the first one's I started to "flirt"/talk to after my decade long gap. We met on a dating app (shocker there), and I was instantly intrigued by his dominate stature. I honestly think I only join dating apps for conversation, never anything more. I enjoyed when a man showed interest, but I always felt I wasn't deserving of it so I would always make excuses as to why I could never meet up with them.

We talked on and off for two years. He would always reach out to see how I was doing and if I ever had time to meet up. My answer remained the same "I'll have to check my work schedule", or "we have games". Eventually he quit asking and a year would go by before I heard from him again. When I did, I was shocked but disappointed as I was still in the rut, I was in from two years earlier. I was still morbidly obese and unhappy with myself, so I knew nothing would ever come of it.

We talked for a few months before things started to fade away. The same way it always has. He'd make me feel alive and "sexy" and when I didn't reciprocate, he eventually quit responding. That fall I decided to work on RED. I changed my eating habits and made little changes to my physical activity. I was still 300lb and I smoked! Working out wasn't an option for me unless I had an AED nearby. I lost 20lbs the first few months and started to feel the confidence creep in.

As I am finally starting to feel good about myself, guess who shoots me a text. Uh huh, my past. I forgot he still followed me on snap, and at that point I was posting a lot of pictures/videos. We started texting again and he instantly asked to meet up. The clown 🤡 that I am had more excuses. Listen, when I tell you this man was 100% out of my league, I'm not exaggerating. He was attractive, built, intelligent, and had a good job. Does that sound like the guy that Megan typically dates? N.E.G.A.T.I.V.E.

We continued to talk through text, usually asking how our workdays went or how the girls were. We'd exchange song titles and inquire about plans for the weekend. Nothing major. Until one chilly and damp Monday night. I just got out of the shower, it's maybe 7:15pm and I am getting ready to do my hair. I get a text that said "dinner"? I responded back and said, "can't just got out of the shower". He responded, "get dressed and meet me at....". Ohhhh, he has piqued my interest. I asked him what time and he gave me a 40-minute window. I had 40 minutes to fix my hair and find an outfit (and I am still a fatty).

I get to the restaurant first. This is our first time ever meeting and I am sick to my stomach! I can't believe I had the balls to go. As I was sitting in my car waiting for him, I threw myself into a panic attack. I called a girlfriend who basically said "wth you have nothing to lose just chill and see how it goes". That's when it clicked. I had to convince myself that I'm an amazing person and if he can't see that, it's his loss. I may be a little ugly and chunky, but my personality is freaking amazing (not really, I'm just trying to hype myself up).

I see his truck pull in, "oh crap this is it, please don't trip". We both got out and I followed him in. We sat at a booth, and he said, "what do you want". He was so demanding. I said, "I'm not eating I just had dinner". He said, "we'll I am getting a pizza". I'm like "ummm okay, I'll have a water". The waitress comes over and takes the order, we talk a little bit before the COOK, who was my BROTHER delivers the pizza and says...... "here's your pizza fat a$$". I'm almost positive my face turned 3 shades of red. Of course, I laughed it off and said, "I swear TG I am going to kill you". My date didn't acknowledge the comment, but I am pretty sure he was just as embarrassed as I was. All jokes aside, my brother wasn't lying. I was still 60lbs overweight and this guy is still out of my league.

He ate got the check and we left. He continued to text me throughout the week, even after that mortifying moment at the restaurant. He had asked me what my plans were that weekend and I told him I was going to the Girard playoff game which was in Canton. He said, "cool have fun".

I drove up to the game with another male friend (legit just a friend). When we got to the game, we went our separate ways, I don't like sitting in the bleachers, I tend to stand to the side away from people (I'm afraid if I sit in front of someone, they won't see the field. A phobia I've had since grade school). As I am standing off to the side, I get this weird sense that the guy is at the game. I remember standing alone thinking "I hope he isn't because I look like a total loser right now".

I sign into Facebook to give an update of the game, because I'm that "cool". I noticed this guy had just posted one and shared his location. I was like "wtf". For starters, dude rarely posted or shared on the book. It was one of the first statuses I've seen. Confused, I decided to text him to see where he was. His response "the game". I said "where", and he mentioned the opposing side with some friends. I asked him why he didn't tell me, knowing I'd be at the same game. He didn't respond back right away and the whole drive home I am analyzing every conversation prior to that moment.

I finally get into town and pick my girls up. I get a text that is extremely defensive, basically stating "how would I know you were going to be here". Umm, I don't know your first clue should have been "I'm going to the game this weekend". He continued to go off, initially blaming me and making me feel like it was my fault. I'm pretty sure the proper term is gaslighting. Needless to say, we quit talking that night. I still think it had something to do with my brothers comment at the restaurant. Not everyone likes a "fatty".

A year later he reaches out on SNAP to see how I've been. I noticed I was deleted as a friend on his FB which ultimately made me laugh because I knew he was hiding something. It is what it is at this point. I responded, like I typically do, and the conversation went on for a few days. I did some investigating. There had to be a reason as to why he becomes MIA for months/years and then pops back up.

During my search I came across a profile in which I was no longer blocked from. I looked through it and........he has a FIANCE. Genuinely I was happy for him, he needed someone to balance him out. Until the timeline didn't match up. Our first-time meeting was in the fall (chill it was years ago) and according to his posts (which I am no longer blocked from) he was with this woman at the time of our date. It all makes sense now. Wasn't even worth my time to call him out for it, but I did send that "congratulations" text.

We still check in with each other from time to time and I still often wonder what would have happened between us if I looked different or had the weight loss prior to meeting him. He'll tell me the weight had nothing to do with it and I call BS every single time. Not all men like meaty girls, and if they do, they're usually closet "chubby checkers". Men especially are so afraid of what their friends will think if they bring a thicker woman into the group, especially one who doesn't fit the "prim and proper" expectations of a demanding man.

I am a genuine, wild and crazy woman. I go hard for the one's I love, and I dedicate myself to being the best mom I could for my girls. I often wonder if I'll ever have the white picket fence, am I even deserving of it?