As I was lying in bed last night prepared to say my prayers, I decided to jump on social media and do the nightly scrolling. I had two notifications (yeah me). One was an update on a post I commented on, and the other was a comment from a "Carl Thomas" on one of my posts.
The comment wasn't anything earth shattering, I even gave it a laughing response as I already know who "Carl Thomas" is. Back in July I decided to block two individuals from my social media. That's when Carl was created. I am a little stunned it took 4 months for her to reach out but deep down I knew it was coming.
I responded to Carl's comment with "look a troll, tell her I said HI and I pray for her nightly". The response back was "justice". My response "I'm flattered you created a fake Facebook account just to make this comment. Kinda dumb though because my number is posted everywhere, and I always encourage people to reach out. Only cowards hide behind screens". The response back had mentioned John's OD in February and trying to take the easy road out.
I had a whole paragraph typed up ready to send when God whispered, "it isn't worth it". I did respond back letting them know I have begged God for the last 8 months to give me the strength to forgive them. I even offered to have a conversation with them and told them they can reach out any time, until then I'll continue to pray.
Shortly after my last comment she deleted her comment about John OD'ing. Not sure why she deleted it, other than she felt guilty. Guilty for manipulating people into her sick twisted games. Guilty for causing two lives to be utterly destroyed. Families torn apart and filled with hate. I don't get it. I suppose I never will.
I received so many messages this morning asking if I was okay "I saw the post screw her". "How are you holding up" "I saw the comments don't even give them the satisfaction of responding". My people, you will never know how much I appreciate those messages and concerns. One thing I need you all to know. I am NOT the same girl from high school, or even in my earlier years.
It took decades for me to mature and grow into the woman I am today. It took many setbacks, heartache, and suffering for me to finally realize "meg you got to do things different". I can proudly and honestly say, at 41 years old I have finally matured enough to know the thoughts and opinions of others does not reflect who I am as a person.
I no longer need to get mad, angry, or seek revenge. I pray. Prayer has conquered every setback I have ever endured. I used to think karma was the sweetest revenge, turns out God is.
I knew sticking by John was going to be an uphill battle. I knew I'd face backlash, hateful comments, threats, etc. I debated for 30 seconds whether or not all of it was worth it. I've had conversations with my girls and explained to them multiple times "if this is too much at any point don't be afraid to tell me and I'll walk away".
Both my girls looked at me and said, "no mom we don't want or expect you to turn your back on him, this is when he needs you the most". I explained to them the risks and criticism from others and how it might affect their lives. They said, "we can handle it". At any point they could have said "walk" and I would have walked.
We are 11 days away from oral arguments, and I knew the emotions would be soaring. John is struggling big time, and I absolutely hate when he is like this. I can't handle it. I also can't imagine how he feels or what goes through his head daily. I can guarantee he is replaying the events of that day, the day of the verdict, sentencing, and his OD. I know he is miserable. My heart breaks for him every day, but I truly don't know how to help him.
I am hoping once the Pastor visits tomorrow he'll be in a better spirit but I'm not hopeful. Isn't the saying "hope for the best, prepare for the worst"? A motto I live by these days. I am slowly preparing for the worst and constantly planning our next move. I know my heart is going to be shattered in a few months when the appeal gets denied, but I am still planning on fighting for the truth. Once that comes out, my little heart will be mended. Until then, it remains in pieces.
Seriously guys, keep praying! It's the only peace and comfort I get it. John needs them!
For wicked and deceitful mouths are opened against me, speaking against me with lying tongues. They encircle me with words of hate and attack me without cause. In return for my love, they accuse me, but I give myself to prayer. So, they reward me evil for good, and hatred for my love. Psalm 109:2-5
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