It's been a wild month. So many different feelings and emotions that I try to work through and can't. I get angry, heartbroken, bitter, hateful. You would think someone in my position would know how to grieve, cope, process-but I don't. It's a wild feeling.
There is so much going on. Working 70 hours a week, softball games, planning a graduation party and a birthday celebration in between. Most days my head spins, I can't focus, and I instantly become overwhelmed. The anxiety has affected every aspect of my life, from professional to personal. I've become so numb to everything that most days I forget who I am.
In 2016 I was in and out of the hospital with a low hemoglobin. I had 30 transfusions, and no one could figure out why. I remember lying in bed one night and my heart palpitating so bad I thought I was dying. I was afraid to fall asleep that night in fear of not waking up the next morning. I begged God to wake me up, and instead he whispered, "go now". I called my cousin to see if he would go with me to the emergency room, and he didn't even hesitate to say "yeah". I walked in went through triage and my oxygen saturation was extremely low that the triage nurse left me to go talk to someone in the emergency room. She came back and they instantly did bloodwork, I swear it took 2 minutes to get the results. Five minutes later three other nurses come up and said, "you're being admitted your hemoglobin is a 5.4 we're not even sure how you walked in here". I looked at my cousin and laughed, I said "welp guess it's not the gallbladder". I sent him home and spent the next 4 days in ICU.
They immediately started the blood transfusions, but my levels weren't increasing. The took me early that morning for an endoscopy and found SIX LARGE bleeding ulcers. I lost so much blood it took them two days to pump me up. I also had a horrible menstrual cycle in which the DR suggested a hysterectomy. I asked what my other options were, and he said an endometrial ablation which would burn the lining of my uterus. I opted for that one.
So, in 2018 I finally caved and had the procedure done. When it was over the DR tells me "I got most of it but not all, but it should help the bleeding". In which it did, but the chances of me ever getting pregnant would be slim to none. Not a problem as I'm in my mid-thirties and single! I felt like a new person with 30 different transfusions and cauterized ulcers. This is when I started to put the focus on me. I lost 20+lb the end of 2018 and felt amazing. I continued to do what made me happy, working out and eating healthier.
In 2019 I was down 80+lbs and decided to re-join a dating app. I met a few different men, but none really peeked my interested. I deleted POF and joined the NEW Facebook dating app and in September I had my first date with the most awkward man I've ever met. We spent the first 5 months getting to know each other and just having "fun". It was new for me as I've been out of the dating world for a decade. I didn't even know how to date and went in with the mindset of "if you like me great if not oh well".
In March of 2020 we lost a patient at work. I remember telling two of my co-workers (one who thought she was pregnant) "when someone dies it usually means someone is with child". She laughed and said, "we all should take a pregnancy test". Thats exactly what the three of us did, and guess who was pregnant? I was absolutely beside myself. Shocked, confused, scared, anxious. I told the man I was "talking" to, and his response was similar to mine, sheer panic.
We spent the next few weeks trying to figure out what to do and how to tell people. I went to my first OB appointment and heard the heartbeat. The estimated due date was November 9th. As I laid on the table, I remember thinking "crap this just got real". I told a few close friends who laughed and said, "are you kidding me"? Ehhh, nah. Like what the heck am I going to do. My oldest is graduating next year and I'm starting over? I'm too old for this!! I ended up cutting ties with the man I was pregnant with and said, "I'll do this myself".
I became joyful, excited, and instantly started shopping. Pre-maturely I'm sure, but the one thing I knew how to do and was good at, was being a mom. I went for my second ultrasound to confirm the date and this time it was devastating news. The DR couldn't find the heartbeat. I think at this point I was so shocked and numb I didn't know what to say. He said, "you'll experience cramping and bleeding and the baby will pass". I had no idea what that meant. Until two weeks later I was laying on my bathroom floor in agonizing pain.
I spent three days in the bathroom. My miscarriage started on a Friday, and I lost the baby Sunday morning. No one ever prepares you for that type of trauma. I am someone who rarely misses work. I'd literally have to be on my death bed for me not to go in. I've been with the company for four years and NEVER took a vacation. I was fully prepared to go back to work Monday morning and act like nothing happened. I woke up Monday morning and called-off. I told my boss I'd be back Tuesday but shortly that call I realized I am not okay. I called my OB to ask for an excuse for the day I missed, and I am sobbing on the phone trying to find the words. The receptionist said, "do you want me to make it for a week instead". I said, "could you please". I had her fax it over to HR and I spent the rest of that week in bed.
I needed that week to heal. Going back to work was different. The last thing I wanted was for people to feel sorry for me. I wasn't ready to talk about it or answer questions. Most of my co-workers were close friends and understood. It took me months if not a year to be able to talk about it without crying. I still wonder what my little James Michael would look like. Would he play football, be in the band, soccer, or artistic. He would be 4 years old this November, and I'd be 41!!!
Wherever life takes you, know that GOD is always with you. Some of my darkest days were forgiven by his glory. I don't know how, and I certainly don't know why, but he has saved me more than I can count, sometimes not even deserving of his mercy! God always prevails, the miracles he has given me over my lifetime are exactly what I needed to keep moving forward. When I didn't think I was worthy of life, MY GOD showed me something different! YOU have a purpose and God has a plan. Keep trusting in him, surrender it all and watch him work the miracles!
While the numbness still takes over, I now lean on him to ease the pain.
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