I spoiled him, I loved him how a woman should love a man and unfortunately it wasn't reciprocated. We were 6 months into a very odd relationship when I found out I was pregnant! Yikes, 36 years old and I am pregnant! I had no idea how to tell him that the one thing I promised wouldn't happen, happened. I went to his house after work that night and showed him the test. The look on his face SCREAMED sheer panic! He said, "are you pregnant". My first thought was "no I just showed you some random person's test". He asked again in which my response this time was "yes" followed by laughter.
I'm not sure what I was laughing at, sometimes I think that's my way of coping in tough situations. He clearly didn't take the news well and a few choice words were said (on my end) before storming out of his house. I didn't expect to hear from him at all after that, and to be honest...I was okay with it. Wouldn't be the first time having a child out of wedlock with no father. Seems to be what I am good at!
The next day I got a text from him wanting to talk. I wasn't interested but I did entertain him. He explained to me why he responded the way he did and expressed his concerns with having a child at our age. I agreed but told him I didn't need him and would do this on my own. He said, "I'm not a deadbeat dad I won't let you do it on your own". Watch me, my guy!
We were distant for weeks. He didn't know I was scheduled for an ultrasound but when I got the pictures, I made sure to go to his house to show him. Everything was perfect. I told some close friends and some co-workers and thought "oh crap here we go". Oh crap was right!
I went to see my OBGYN a month after for a second ultrasound and this time he couldn't find the heartbeat. He said, "it's a miscarriage". I am laying on the table trying like hell to fight back the tears. The DR said, "I'm sorry before walking out", and I sat up and got dressed. I remember walking straight past the receptionist's desk without saying a word. I drove him in silence, no radio, no wind, just my thoughts consuming me. I got home, wiped the tears and acted like everything was normal.
I had no idea what to expect or when it would happen. I wasn't told much so I had to rely on google and Facebook support groups to guide me. What a bunch of crap! I still wasn't talking to my guy, so he had NO idea what was going on. I went to work every day as if nothing changed. My boss was aware, but I distanced myself from my co-workers.
It was good Friday in 2020 and my miscarriage started later in the afternoon. I had some spotting but nothing major. Saturday rolled around and I stayed in bed most of the day, some cramping but not a lot of anything else. I played it off as if I was sick with the kids. They didn't know and I didn't want them to worry. Saturday night the cramps become unbearable. I was absolutely miserable. I fell asleep with a heating bad on my stomach.
Easter morning it was 10am and I rushed to the bathroom. I completed my miscarriage on Easter Sunday. That was the only comfort I received during the whole traumatic event. If that wasn't a sign that my baby was sitting in the arms of Jesus, I have NO clue what is!
I took a week off work, the first week I have ever taken off from my job. I sent him an ignorant test letting him know what happened and basically told him to "F" off. He didn't respond right away but waited two days and finally sent me some lame message asking if I wanted to come talk. Guess what? I didn't want to talk, I wanted to pick a fight, so of course I went!
I get to the house and it's extremely awkward. Neither of us have any idea what to say but then I become filled with anger and rage. I am annoyed that I'm standing inches away from him and he has absolutely nothing to say. I finally tell him what a POS he is and how I despise him, and that's when he decided to open up. He apologized as I stood there crying. He grabbed me and held on to me, and it wasn't a fake "bs" hug. It was a genuine "I know you're hurting hug and I hurt too". He kissed me on my forehead and cooked me dinner that night while I laid on the couch sulking in my misery.
It took us a year to ever bring up the miscarriage. Neither one of us discussed it but for Christmas that following year he bought me a bracelet with our son's birthstone that said, "mommy of an angel". JM didn't deal with his emotions well. He buried them deep inside so no one could see his hurt. God forbid a man show any type of emotion in front of a friend, family member, or LO. God, forbid we acknowledge MEN having any type of mental health issues. How dare a MAN be human. Ehh!
Comments