I went to see John this past Sunday for our first visit of the month. My daughter has been asking to go see him, but our schedules never align. When I booked October's visit in September, I asked her what days she was off, and Sunday happened to be our lucky day.
We decided not to tell John she was coming; we wanted it to be a surprise. I'm a horrible person when it comes to surprises, I instantly want to tell people! I managed to hold this in for two weeks and when the day came, it was totally worth it.
It was refreshing for John to see someone other than me all the time, and he always enjoys when it's my girls so they can gang up on me and tell me how "mean" I am to them. We ate snacks together, talked and played a couple games of 21, go fish, and my favorite, war. I am extremely competitive in anything I do. A fun card game turned into a heated card game, and these clowns had the audacity to say I was cheating! I ended up throwing my cards across the table; I had ONE left and I was over them cheating!
We ended the hour with conversation, and that's when I realized something was off. John continued to repeat the same thing he had already told us when we first came in. He was quiet and looking all over the room as if he was waiting for something, or someone. The conversation was led by asking questions, to which he would respond with one-word answers. I vaguely remember asking him what was wrong, and he said, "nothing, I'm just looking around." It didn't make sense to me, but I let it go.
After three short and quick hours, it was time to say goodbye. The worst part of any visit. I told him I was stopping to see my youngest and to call me later since I'd be in the car for the next 5 hours. He hugged us and said "okay".
My oldest and I went grocery shopping for the youngest and dropped it off at her dorm. We visited for 5 minutes before turning around and heading for the YO. It was a 3.5-hour drive home, so I had plenty of time to talk, which usually makes my drive go faster. The oldest napped on the way home, and I was left with my intrusive thoughts on a 3.5-hour car ride.
We got home a little after 5 pm, and still no call from John, which is odd. I was utterly exhausted and crawled into bed around 7ish. I usually wait up for his call, but my eyes were extremely heavy. Just as I start to doze off, the phone rings, and it's him. He sounds miserable and is barely talking. Honestly, I hate it when he does that!
I asked him some questions and inquired why it took so long to call. He said, "Oh, I don't know, I was doing things." Sometimes it's like pulling teeth to get him to answer anything. I told him I was laying down and just dozed off when he called. I tried to keep the conversation going, but he got quiet and I could hear him sobbing.
Every single time he does this, I fill with anger, fear, and worry. I am afraid something happened with another inmate or CO and there is nothing I can do. I ask him, and he says "no." I asked what is going on, and he said, "What do you think is going on? I am miserable." He continued to tell me he's in pain (back problems) and they make him climb to the top bunk. When he addressed it with medical, their response was "jump down with your good leg." I'm not a medical professional, but a spinal cord injury doesn't come with a "good" leg.
I try to calm him down, but I notice my anxiety getting worse. The more he cries, the more panicked I become. I'm going to get a lot of hate for this; I also become annoyed. Don't judge; let me explain.
He's been at NCI for 6 months. The first three were an utter nightmare. We had ZERO good days. In month 4, he started to come around. He was still miserable, but he wasn't lying in his bunk waiting to die. By month five, we had ups and downs. He started going to the Alpha program, which is a God-based program, and he started to enjoy it. He got a different job working as a porter (don't ask) and volunteers on Tuesdays in the chapel. He seemed to be adjusting the best he can.
We are 10 days into month 6 and I feel like we are back at month 1. I can't handle it anymore. I can't take it when he gets like this and I have absolutely NO words to offer him, and the ones I do say he becomes defensive and angry. I remind him how good God is and how far he has brought us, only to be told "I always pray and look where I am". I respond with "have you made any changes in your life over the last 40 years?" His response is "I don't know why I have to change." Really?
I'm probably not one to preach to someone who is struggling with their beliefs since I am fairly new to getting back into church. However, the testimonies I have are way too good and powerful not to share with people. The only reason I am where I am today is because of God. How can I not brag and share those stories?
I am learning to allow him to cry, express his anger, and release his emotions without speaking. I cannot assist him or provide healing; he must be ready to take responsibility for his own journey. No amount of words, advice, or personal experiences will help him comprehend or acknowledge the strength and abilities of God. Only God can unveil this truth to him.
Red has to work on himself, and as much as I want to comfort and take his pain away, it is destroying me. I couldn't figure out why I was always anxious, stressed, and worried 6 months ago. Now I do. Our first three months of adjusting, he wore out my mental. The last two, I started to regroup and focus as he sounded like he was adjusting. Now, in month 6, we are regressing. I just can't afford to go backwards.
I don't know if it's because oral arguments are scheduled for November, or if he truly is having a hard time adapting. I also don't know how to cope with having one good month and regressing the next. I'm in a million support groups and not ONE can help with this.
I am going to continue to ask, and I know you guys will continue to shine through. But if you can keep him in your prayers, I would forever appreciate it!
2 Corinthians 1: 3-4 “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”
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