John and I took a break for a little bit after the miscarriage. We just needed a few weeks to figure out what we wanted. He was dealing with a tremendous amount of mayhem in his personal life, and I wasn't mentally stable enough to help him sort through it. After a few weeks of minimal communication, we decided to be "friends". His wants and mine were two totally different things, but I didn't want to lose him.
I wasn't sure how the whole "friendship" scenario would work, but what the heck let's try it. It worked for a little bit until he would do things to lead me on. I was head over heels for the guy, he'll be the first to say, "I don't know why". Truth is, I didn't either. I just knew he wasn't the typical man I talked to or dated, and I was enjoying it. He wasn't abusive in any way, shape, or form. He wasn't the romantic type, but he wasn't heartless either.
Our evenings consisted of dinner and a movie and the occasional sleepovers. Like how you sleep at a man's house who is just a "friend"? I think it was his way of justifying not feeling guilty for moving on, for finding someone better than the last. As the friendship progressed, I introduced him to my girls. We were 7 months into talking before I ever brought them around him. One thing about me, I have never introduced my girls to a man I didn't plan on being with. At seven months in, I knew JM was a keeper.
I cooked dinner at the house, and we all sat at the kitchen table awkward as ever. Thank gosh it was a beautiful day because we migrated to the deck to make it more comfortable and open for everyone. The girls and John talked for a little bit before they left. I cleaned up from dinner and left shortly after.
When I got home, I asked the girls what they thought, and both said, "we like him". My oldest was hesitant at first, so I said, "what spit it out". She said, "no we really like him he's just quiet". I reminded her of my anxiety and explained John was similar. He doesn't have a lot of confidence with his speaking ability, so he tends to shy away from conversation with people (even kids) he isn't familiar with. Nonetheless, all three of them got along and everyone liked each other.
John and I continued the "friendship" for months after, but if you haven't figured out by now that it wasn't a "friendship" you're just as naive as "her". I met his daughter when I first started going to the house, and a few of his friends who would stop by on occasion for some car advice. The one kid who he talked to religiously, Frankie was the goofiest and most crazy kid I've ever met. John warned me about him once or twice, but I always held a special place in my heart for him. He actually helped John plan our first date, and I'm sure gave him advice on how to handle me during the first two years!
In 2021 John started coming around more. We did everything together. Grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, yard work, and my ultimate favorite.... cooking! Although I definitely wasn't the chef in the relationship. We had taco Tuesday, porkchop Wednesday, movie night Friday, and ice cream Sunday! It's no wonder I gained 20+lbs hanging out with him. It didn't matter to me because I was in love. I enjoyed every second with him, but also got irritated as a mother when he'd do something that p!ssed me off.
Kim can attest to the many late night phone calls explaining a situation and questioning whether or not I overreacted. Most nights, I did. I'd be even more annoyed that I would have to go back or call him to apologize for being a psycho! He often accepted my apology but told me he hated when I would walk out and leave, rather than talking about it. I didn't realize that was an option, I'm not used to dating normal, stable, men.
We hardly fought, never yelled, never screamed. It was me not liking something he said, or how he made me feel, and rather than confront him on it-I just left and quit talking to him for a few days. What toxic behavior. As our situationship developed so did my feelings for him, this time I let him know.
I don't know how many times he tried to push me away. I wasn't sure if it was intentional or if he was doing it to save himself another heartache. It didn't matter what I said, he would constantly tell me "You deserve better". Part of me agreed. He was so emotionally unavailable and that's the one thing I wanted from him. Every time I thought he was letting his guard down and getting closer, he'd detach almost instantly. It drove me insane! This is where the phone calls to Kim came into play! = )
Eventually we got past it and I started to pay attention more. John loved me, he just didn't know how to show it. I was very loving, caring, and compassionate in our relationship. I showed him things that no one else has ever shown or given. I didn't need him for anything, but I wanted him for everything. Neither of us were perfect, but we were perfectly imperfect for each other.
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