I've had a million things on my mind but nothing worth writing about. Until tonight.
I've been in a constant fog over the last nine months, but somehow always manage to see the light. It's been a week since we've found out John's appeal was denied. I'm still not sure I've processed everything, but I'm working on it. I think...
I typically just drowned myself in work to keep my mind from going to the negative. Those "what if" thoughts get me every time. I've caught myself more recently than before thinking about things I wish I could have done different. I've been thinking about our last night together. I seriously went to bed that night not knowing it would be our last night together. Every extra shift I picked up, and weekend movie night. Never realizing it would be our last.
Our last meal together, our last drive. Our last shopping trip, and our last argument. I never thought about those things until the denial of his appeal. Maybe I didn't want to think about them, or maybe I was holding on to the little hope we had for the appeal being granted. I don't know, part of me believed there were still decent people in the world who could see past the corruption and false accusations. The manipulations, and cover-up.
I so wanted to believe that God was going to protect us. I believed that his Grace and power would overcome the political corruption that plaques our judicial system. How naive was I? How stupid that I believed that I, a nobody, could go against some of the most powerful people in the county. I know, you can laugh.
I'm in a support group (several) with other prison "wives" and we often share our stories with each other. Me, being me always takes it step further. I don't always take the word of the family member, so I do my own digging. I check the docket, read the case, look at the articles and make my own assumptions.
Some of the stories/crimes intrigued me so I went a step further and added the inmates as a contact on my messaging app. These are other men who are doing major time life John. I wanted to hear from them for guidance, hope, and education purposes. I've had conversations with them all, I've explained my story but have never mentioned John.
John is aware that I am talking to a few different guys, I am always open and honest with him. I started talking to a guy in Illinois, I actually met this one through a friend. We messaged on the app for a few days before I gave him my PO box to write me.
I received his first letter in September, promised I'd write him back but never did. I message on the app but have never gotten around to writing a letter. I received another letter shortly after. Same thing. I responded on the app, thanked him but never got around to sending the letter.
The middle of November I received another letter. This time I hid it in the visor of my car with the other stack of mail and papers. This week, as I was driving home from work all those papers fell and I threw them back together and shoved them back in the visor.
Tonight, during some downtime I decided to get that stack of paper/mail so I can go through it. The letter was the last piece of mail I looked at. I smiled, opened it and paced while reading. I got to the second paragraph and started to smile. His words "If you are tired from carrying heavy burdens, come to me and I will give you rest". My eyes became filled with tears. As I turned the page to continue to read, I became lighter. My chest wasn't as heavy, and my shoulders weren't as tense.
The last paragraph, the one that made me smile, cry, and shake my head. "Simplifying your life may mean working fewer hours, scheduling downtime, and investing more in your loved ones". There is nothing simple in my life. I was destined to be chaos, to push through every trial and tribulations, every heartache and challenge. I'm a freaking GINGER; we're a rare breed!!
Every night before bed, I ask God for guidance. I beg him to give me signs and guide me to the right decisions/choices. I don't get them often, but when I do, they couldn't be clearer. I didn't read this letter last month because it wasn't the right time. God put this letter in my lap this week to remind me it's there, and when the time is right, I'll read it.
Tonight, I am defeated. I'm exhausted from constantly running. I don't have an ounce of time for myself. Not an ounce, and I have no one to blame for that, but me. I'm not even sure I would know what to do if I had time to focus on me. My motivation runs on fighting for John. Every set back, every negative Nancy I come across, and fake Carl's fuel my determination. The more hate that is thrown at me, the harder I go.
I do, however, need to simplify my life. Whatever that entails. Who knows, maybe 2025 will be the year of growth.
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