The brief for the appeal was submitted Friday. I haven't read it yet but requested a copy through email. I'm not hopeful John will survive this, morbid I know. He's already so different than the man I fell in love with.
I don't know if it was the blows to the head, or the overdose in February, but he isn't the same person. I'm not sure I would be either. I don't even know how to help him anymore, I try to support him, but I often struggle finding the words to encouraged. It's the same thing over and over. It reminds me of someone with OCD. He fixates on one thing for hours at a time, knowing there isn't anything he can do to change it.
My BEB leaves for college this week and I'm a mess. It hasn't fully hit me yet, but I know the next few weeks are going to be rough. It's a matter of time before the oldest decides to adventure off on her own, I just want her to finish college first.
I look back on the last 21 years of being a mother, and I can honestly say I did an "okay" job. My girls are seriously some of the most respectful, polite, compassionate little ladies I've ever met. I truly have NO idea how I became so lucky. I've said it for years, God blessed me with these two and I'll forever be grateful.
I'm exhausted 24/7 and there's no need for it. I crawl into bed every night thinking "this is it, I'm going to get a solid 10 hours tonight". Only to get a second wind and scroll tiktok till 3am. You know when I do sleep well? Right after I pray. No lie, I'll be wind awake one minute and the second I start to say my prayers I become so tired I can't even keep my eyes open. I've fallen asleep several times in the middle of saying them.
We had our 8th visit on Friday. He cried a little when he came into the room, but it turned out to be a decent visit. No depressing thoughts. Honestly, the only thing I remember talking about during our visit was how he is handling prison.
He isn't adapting well at all, and I understand why. They keep screwing up his medication, taking him off, changing meds, or not giving him all of them. He is still without his hearing-aids, c-pap machine, and the right heart med. I've called, and sent emails and I swear it only makes it worse. I cannot say this enough, our judicial system is screwed up. Our prison systems corrupt. We're a mess. Our government is a mess.
Six weeks in the county jail, Seven weeks at the holding center and 11 weeks at his parent institution. I hate change, utterly hate it. Know what he told me during the visit? "I am starting to change, and it's not for the better". I asked him what he meant by that, and he just repeated it. Know how I took it? He's becoming heartless.
A few weeks ago, he had an issue with a CO, for whatever reason some of them are on power trips. John's a very polite respectful guy. He's also hard of hearing which can be rather annoying when you have to repeat yourself. I guess a CO asked him a question and John said "huh", because he genuinely can't hear. Instead of repeating himself the CO became mouthy and childlike, making fun of John for being deaf. Like c'mon.
John is living with 2400 other men. Mostly repeat offenders, addicts, and some who were convicted of murder. How do you expect a man to survive in an environment he spent his whole life avoiding. A law-abiding citizen is now in with a population he has no clue how to handle. You clearly can't show emotion in prison, can't be timid, can't be nice, can't be genuine.
John, who is all of the above now has to change his demeanor and personality to save himself from being a "victim" in a corrupt prison system. Yet, prisons are supposed to "rehabilitate" you, right?
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I can’t even imagine he is going through #johnstrong