It's been seven weeks since I had my last hug. Seven weeks without you and it doesn't get any easier. I am trying to keep my mind busy with work but even that doesn't seem to help. The first three weeks were simply the worst. The harassment of others, the not knowing whether or not I was making the right decisions, worried about your mental state. How are they treating you? Am I going to lose you forever? Is this my fault, are you mad at me? Did you ever at any point think "if only I never met her"?
We finally got to talk this weekend. Three hours on the phone and I'd waste every second of every day just to hear your voice. I regret every argument, getting up and leaving, or moving away from you just to be vindictive. You always said, "you're going to regret this if it doesn't work out", and truth is-I do. If only I can spend one more movie night with you, one more taco Tuesday. I will cherish those memories forever. I take some responsibility for what happened, and it kills me knowing you're the only one suffering.
Want to know the worst part, something I haven't shared with anyone? We just took a break in June of 2022. I remember going to your house to talk and figure out what we both wanted from this. I remember telling you what I wanted and what I deserved, and you pushing me away. You always did that, and I know why. I was once you. I remember leaving your house that night crying and begging God to remove you from my life if you weren't supposed to be in it. I begged him to remove you because I knew I couldn't walk away. Was this God removing you from my life? I honestly feel like I've caused all this damage and I have no clue how to save you. If I can undo my words, I without a doubt would.
The day before I left for Florida, I met another guy who has been begging me to meet up with him. I caved and met him at work. We talked for a little bit before he went in for the kiss. I pulled away but eventually ended up kissing him. It felt good to be wanted. I'm almost positive he wanted more, but I was so madly in love with you I couldn't fathom being with another man. I drove to your house that night so I could see you before I left for Florida. I wanted you to know how much I loved you in case something happened to me on the flight. You looked at me like I was crazy and told me to have fun "you deserve it". That's exactly what I planned on doing, until I got the call. 📞
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