You can't tell me she isn't absolutely stunning. The beauty I see in both my girls amazes me. I say it time and time again, I have no idea how I became so lucky.
It was her senior prom last night, the last one in the books. This is when I typically get emotional. I blinked and she's a senior. I vividly remember pushing her down the halls of GHS for kindergarten. She broke her ankle a month before orientation started, one of the worst breaks the ortho had seen.
She spent the first 4 months of kindergarten in a full-length leg cast, non-weight baring which required her to be escorted around in a wheelchair. She'll never admit it, but I think she liked the attention. The ankle required many surgeries, and she broke it again two years later playing soccer. Her soccer playing days were over.
This precious gift from God has given me more worry, fear, and anxiety then she'll ever know. Not intentional but because I know her capabilities, her talent, and determination. She is super intelligent, kind, and compassionate. Her soul is pure and genuine. Yet, often misunderstood.
In 2021, after gaining some normalcy back from covid she re-entered the doors of her HS freshman year. I never had to fight this kid with getting up and going to school. I actually often begged her to have a "self-care" day with MOM in which she often refused. The end of her freshman year she started to fight me on going. Every morning ended in an argument. Believe it or not I am huge on education. I firmly believe if you miss a day (or half a day) of school then you should NOT be permitted to play in the game scheduled that night. I stuck by this rule her whole athletic career, which would typically change her attitude in the morning.
The night before we had a huge fight about school. She told me she wasn't going, and we argued. I don't know why I argued with a 15-year-old, but I did, and she caused me to get so escalated that I couldn't control my words. She continued to beg and plead, and I eventually walked away from her. She said some "attention" seeking words and I laughed it off as "yeah okay, not my kid".
I woke up that morning to her throwing up in the bathroom. Again, I said "nice try you're going to school". I walked away to get ready for work thinking she'd realized her game didn't work. I continued to hear puking, I went in and this time she looked white as a ghost and lethargic. Crap, she really is sick. I asked her if she took anything, and her response was "nooo mom".
We stayed in the bathroom waiting to see if it would calm down, this time she is throwing up blood. Jesus, take the wheel we are headed to Akron CH in boardman. We check in and I explain to them what happened the night before about her "threats" and that she woke up this morning puking. They asked her if she took anything, and her answer was still "no". I believed her. They brought her back instantly and checked her vitals. Three different nurses kept asking "are you sure you didn't take anything", she continued to say "no".
We're waiting for the DR in which she comes in and kicks me out. I will gladly leave if that will make her more comfortable. I wait outside in the hall pacing in between rooms. The DR comes out and says, "her levels are elevated, and we don't have the proper tools to monitor her, so we are transporting her to Akron main". All I remember the DR saying was something about the medication and her kidney's. Wait, I'm sorry, what? Have you ever been so deep in your thoughts that when someone is talking to you, you don't comprehend one thing? Yeah, that was me.
The ambulance came almost instantly. They wouldn't allow me to ride with her, so I ran to my car to follow. I called work first to let them know I'd be out the rest of the day, then a friend, then my parents. Somehow on my way to Akron I take the biggest detour and couldn't find my way out of it. I arrive 15 minutes after the ambulance and go to the ER looking for her. I go to the counter expecting them to let me back instantly, but they couldn't find her in the system.
I waited 15 more minutes thinking maybe I beat them here, but I don't see any ambulance coming through the ER entrance. I go back up to the counter and ask again, and same thing "we don't have her in the system". I explained the situation to the receptionist, and she finally said, "oh you have to go to this floor". I follow the signs and make it up to the floor my BEB was on. She was already in a room and hooked to a million different machines. I swear, she had wires coming out of every part of her body.
There were nurses and specialist in there with her and the one was explaining to me what was going on with her kidneys. My BEB had taken a bottle of medication she found in an attempt to end her life, and that medication causes kidney damage when taken in large doses. Her levels were astronomical, she never did say how many pills she took.
She would be monitored for a few days before being transferred to impatient treatment. During those two days I learned that my BEB had an ED. She was later diagnosed with AN/BN along with depression and severe anxiety. Part of me felt guilty for passing down our poor genetics. I didn't realize that AN/BN could be hereditary.
My sophomore year of HS I became extremely obsessed with my body image. I fit the AN description more than the BN, until I realized that bulimia was easier than starving myself (I, too, was 15 at the time).
I also felt guilty for lying to the nurses/doctors when they asked, "does anyone in the family have an ED". My answer "no". I pacified it with "I was never diagnosed". No one in my family really knew about MY issues. Once the Dr's left the room my BEB looks over at me and says, "we use to hear you in the bathroom". I tried like hell to cover it up, not knowing the damage it caused.
I always assumed it was a HS "fad" until being educated during our hospital stay. I joined several support groups for guidance, with me occasionally having the same issues I had no idea how to help her. Plus, it helped hearing other people's stories and struggles, it makes you feel some type of normal.
Since I wasn't allowed to stay with her during treatment, I got the closest hotel to the hospital and stayed there and sobbed between visiting hours. My boss at the time sent me money through VENMO for cafeteria food, a friend sent my BEB flowers when she came home, and a social worker from my insurance called to walk me through the next steps and was BEYOND a saint! I couldn't even get through the phone call without sobbing. She said, "I am calling to check on you, how are you doing?" She gave me some resources and said, "I'll call you in a few days to check in and see if you need anything else". She did exactly that.
This was by far the darkest time in my life. The thought of losing one of life's precious gifts made me incredibly numb. Luckily, my GOD showed up and carried us through. We had to make several changes in our life. This didn't just affect her, it affected everyone who knew her. I had to her snacks out of the packaging, so she didn't read the nutrition label, we had to remove the scales, lock cabinets, do blind weights, and ensure she ate three meals and snacks in between. It was a learning process.
We've had to maintain monthly appointments with the nutritionist and her specialist for the first year and eventually got moved to every three months. She has had a relapse or two during that time but is 15 months into her recovery! Together we can conquer it all, but when I tell you it takes a village, trust me it takes a village. Our village is mighty!
If you or someone you know is struggling with MH or an ED, please reach out. Most of you can find me on my social media pages and shoot me a message, or my email is linked below as well as my digits. On my best days I'm kind of a sh!t show, but I promise to offer an ear to listen and be a voice when needed.
You are never alone; suicide is never the answer. Even on your darkest days, God is with you. He hears your cries and wipes your tears. Don't ever think your life isn't precious, you are worthy of greatness and can conquer the demons. You are loved, appreciated, and thought about more than you'll know!
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