Pride

a feeling of deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one's own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired.

I consider myself to be a very prideful person. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've asked for help. After John was sentenced I heard from everyone "whatever you need I gotcha". While I appreciated the gesture, I typically do things on my own. I don't cash in on favors unless I can pay for them, in some way, shape, or form.

When I tell you doing things on my own has been a nightmare, ehhh they've been a nightmare. Last week a dear friend asked me if I got the tile done in the kitchen yet. I said "no but I can do it myself", knowing darn well I can in fact NOT do it myself. He insisted on doing it for me and I said "sure how much". His response, without hesitation "nothing". My response, "then you aren't doing the tile". I either pay you, or find someone else to do it.

I was adamant on paying him to do the tile and he refused. I am back to square one of doing it myself. Two days he harassed me about the tile, and for two days I argued. He explained his reasoning and I explained mine. It's not like I was going to pay thousands, but let me pay something because it's your TIME and you're helping me out. He refused!

On day three he said "sometimes you have to humble yourself and not be so prideful, do you know pride is one of the deadly sins". I was puzzled, I thought pride was a good guailty to have. I had NO clue it was a sin, and I wasn't going to take his word for it. I google searched "is pride a deadly sin" and the answer...

"considered the original and worst of the seven deadly sins on almost every list, the most demonic.".

I was speechless. Totally blown away that pride was an actual sin! I was more upset at the fact that he used religion to pursue me into giving him the address. My answer was still "NO" but I told him I'd have to pray about it. That night I got several messages from his wife trying to get my to understand God's ways. The one that sealed the deal "Pretend you are drowning and you're praying to be rescued and a little boat comes out for you as you aren't able to tread water any more. You look at this stinky little boat and say Lord why did you send that boat. I wanted you to rescue me in some other miraculous way! So then you drown. You have not accepted the help God himself sent you. You are a blessing to people every day and those people may not ever be able to be a blessing to you. We who give like this daily to a deprived community, our gas tank can get a little low. This is a way that God says here's a little blessing and I am sending it your way to help fill you up".

I ended up sending him the address that night and the kitchen was complete two days later. Three months I've been trying to get the floor finished, THREE! In two days God sent me a blessing, I didn't understand it, and I didn't accept at first. I had to humble myself and realize it's okay to ask for help. It's okay to receive help. It's okay to surrender.

I had a horrible weekend. I screwed something up so horribly and am trying to find the way to tell John without adding more stress. Sunday I met a guy who was interested in something of John's, but the amount he offered wasn't feasible to the amount that John has into it. Although desperate, I declined the offer and countered. He never responded so I chalked it up to another loss.

I worked Sunday afternoon and had an "okay" day. I really didn't feel much of anything. I wasn't happy, and I wasn't sad. Just bleh. I made it through the shift without any issues so that's a win in itself.

I always talk to John before bed, usually 10pm. It was almost 11pm and I haven't heard from him. I figured he just fell asleep and forgot to call. I was kind of bummed but understood it. I put my phone back on the charger and did some stuff for work. 10:53pm the phone rings and it's him. I answered and said "omgosh I thought something happened". He said "I got stuck in medical". He got a pass to go to medical at 6pm because he isn't receiving some of his medical needs. His blood pressure was so high they wouldn't let him leave until it went back down. I'm talking stroke level high.

He of course doesn't mind it being high because he is hoping to "stroke" out or have another heart attack. Every day he wishes for death, it'll be a lot less painful than what he is going through now. We got our 30 minutes of talking in before bed and I was content. Again, not feeling anything.

I got off at 12am and on my drive home I was rushed with an overwhelming sense of sadness. I miss him, terribly. I can't help him, I can't change his way of thinking, I can't do anything but continue to fight for him out here. That doesn't even seem good enough.

I crawled into bed and started blogging. I typed as long as I could before I shut the phone off, said my prayers, and turned over. I set my alarm and knew I was going to dread getting up in the morning. Still that sucker was set for 5:45am.

Guess what happened? The alarm went off and I hit snooze. It went off again, and I hit snooze. I don't know how many times I hit snooze but I got a text at 7:08am asking if I was up. I responded and rolled back over. I am genuinely struggling to find the will to wake up in the morning. Let alone get dressed!

I decided to crawl out of bed around 7:27am, threw some clothes on (no lie I think I wore the same outfit Friday to work), and headed to the office. I wasn't in a bad mood, or a good mood. I am in a survival mode. No feelings what-so-ever.

I'm about 90 minutes into work and I get a facebook notification. The guy who offered me half of what the item was worth responded saying "I'll take it at that price". I was like "whoa God, is this you". I was ecstatic. Legit the blessing I needed. Wait, it gets better!

I'm already in a good mood after receiving that message. John calls and I tell him. I hear the sadness in his voice and I said "babe, I don't have to sell any of it". He said "no, I want you to sell it I can always get this stuff back it's just bittersweet". I get that, totally I do. We talk briefly and I ask him to call me later so I can get some stuff done.

I ended my day at 4pm, grabbed a coffee with my unofficial therapist and on my way home I get a 740 number. I look at it and it looks different than the prison number. I answered thinking something was wrong. The guy on the other end said "Hi is this Megan Elizabeth". My heart sank. He said "Hi, I am Pastor ------ I received your letter last week". He asked if any one else has responded and I said "no". He said "I prayed about this all weekend and God wants me to do this and I want to do this".

Back story, (I know my mind is a mile a minute) two weeks ago I was at a loss on how to help John. Something told me to write letters to churches in Caldwell to see if a Pastor in the church will meet with John to help him through and get closer to God. No Joke, I sent 150 letters out over the last two weeks. Most to churches, and some to forensic experts all over the world (in which ONE expert did respond back).

I couldn't get through the conversation with the Pastor without crying. I tried explaining to him our situation and how John has been feeling and how he wishes he was

d e a d. I told him I wanted someone to go in and meet with him so John could see how amazing God is. This guy said he would love to go in and meet with John and that his church is really big in the prison. He asked if John would be "okay" with meeting with him and I said "he knows I sent letters so I am hoping but I'd like to tell him first that someone responded". This Pastor, who doesn't know us from a can of paint (a client used this term with me before and it instantly became my favorite) is willing, and eager to meet John!!

Seriously, TWO God winks for today! I can't handle the emotions! Is this because I humbled myself over the floor and didn't let my pride win, or because God knows I am at my breaking point and begging for help! Every single time I lose hope and faith he delivers, I am NOT joking! Every single time!

I find it difficult to be patient, but this is exactly what I need to do. Be still and be patient. I'm learning, every day I am learning! I will never push my religious beliefs on anyone, but I will without tell everyone about the miracles and blessings he has provided me with D A I L Y!

I had so much to do tonight, but needed some time to enjoy this feeling! Please make sure you engage on the page, like subscribe and share! I refuse to give up on him and his story will be heard! Check tiktok for video updates as we are scheduled for a visit Friday!

As always, I love, appreciate, and adore every single one of you! Keep praying!!

“For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.” Luke 14:11. “Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time.” 1 Peter 5:6.