Oblivious

Isaiah 40:29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

Most people wouldn't be surprised by this so I don't know why I am. Sometimes Red does things without thinking, shocker right.

So last week, I made the mistake of telling John that one of his friends was hitting on me. He laughed it off and said, "no, sir." I also don't know why it's hard to believe another man would hit on me, but whatever! I read the messages to him, he laughed and said, "oh yeah, he's definitely hitting on you." Duh, Captain Obvious, I'm aware. Clearly, my kindness is often mistaken for "flirting."

The next day, John was a different person. He was back to being negative and depressed. Every phone call for five days had been mentally exhausting for me. I can only take so much negativity before I become miserable. For the last two days, I've been off. I've been depressed and reckless. I was quite honestly ready to give up on life. I have moods like this, nothing major.

I ended up telling another one of John's friends that this guy was hitting on me. I read him the messages and got the same response; he laughed and said, "no way." Gosh, am I really that hideous that it's laughable if another man makes a move on me? Dang! I read the messages to him, and he said, "Shoot, he is hitting on you. Please tell me you didn't tell John." I said, "Sure did."

For starters, I told John because I found it comical. Like, what in the world would possess his FRIEND to message me inappropriately and think I'd actually react? I truly didn't think it was a big deal as I would NEVER do anything to jeopardize our not-so-normal relationship.

It didn't dawn on me until his friend said, "Please tell me you didn't tell him." I sat back and thought, "Holy crap, this is why he switched up." I felt horrible! Truly horrible! I waited for him to call that night so I could remind him that there is NO way I would do anything with anyone, especially with one of his friends.

He called before bed that night, still sounding kind of "down". I said, "babe, you do realize I love you and I'm not your ex." He said, "yeah." I said, "no, like I would never cheat on you." He said, "I know." I continued to ask if that's why he's been feeling down/depressed, and he said, "no, I know you would never do that." I asked, "then what is the problem..."

John started another job in the prison, being a "porter." All I know is he's working in the laundry room. John is extremely intelligent, like it used to irritate me with how smart he is. He finally opens up and says, "I'm used to being the smartest guy in the room, and now I feel dumb. I can't remember anything, and I notice some of the guys getting upset because I keep forgetting." He's having a hard time remembering his tasks and the daily/nightly routine.

I tried telling him that he has experienced so much trauma over the last two years that his memory isn't what it used to be. The brutal beating he took in 2022, and his suicide attempt 8 months ago which left him on life support for 3 days, play a huge part in brain function. I mean, I have memory loss on a daily basis and I had ZERO head trauma; this guy was severely beaten in the head (17 blows to be exact with weapons) and was unresponsive for minutes before the sweet little nurse at the MCJ brought him back.

I can't expect him to be happy and positive all the time, especially since he is living his biggest fear. I just don't know how to respond when he becomes depressed and negative; I have ZERO patience for it and I don't know why. I wish I were more understanding, but it's been difficult.

It is so mentally exhausting trying to be strong for everyone. Most days I handle it like a pro, but on those "off" days, sometimes I just need to wallow in my own self-pity before snapping back to reality. Let me.