Today the baby graduated high school. The ceremony was beautiful, the weather was perfect, and my BEB was gorgeous. I am beyond proud of the young woman she has grown up to be. She's kind, compassionate, witty, goal-oriented, and determined. I have no clue where she gets it.
I took some time to reflect on all the lasts from this week and I realized that come August I won't have any more school lunches to pack. No more early morning fights over outfits, no more telling her to come home early so she can get a good night's rest. No more softball games, choir concerts, parent-teacher conferences, or banquets. This is it.
I remember walking both girls into their first day of kindergarten, and both of them adjusted well. I, however, walked out of the classroom in tears. I sat in my car crying, with so many emotions running through my head. I remember hoping and praying their father would grow up and be a father. I stayed faithful for years just in case he did come back and wanted to share in the "firsts" with them. Fifteen years later and he hasn't made a first, or last of anything. I will never understand how any human can walk away from a life they created.
I remember praying every night that both girls would grow up to be strong, healthy, independent girls. I prayed that God would lead me during our trials and tribulations. I spent many nights fighting the urge to rebel because I was bitter and hateful. I'd lay in bed at night staring at both girls and wondering how I became the luckiest mom in the world to be blessed with them. Their sweet, innocent faces made me want to be a better person. I wanted to fight harder for them, I wanted to break the generational curse.
There wasn't one decision I made in the last 22 years that didn't include them. Every single choice I made from 2003 to the present was based around them. How would it affect them? If I changed careers, would I be able to participate in their extracurricular activities? Would I be active for school events? I quit and turned down several job offers to make sure I didn't miss one thing my girls participated in. I'd give up an 8-hour shift and work a 16-hour one because the 8-hour shift would prevent me from seeing a soccer game, but the 16-hour shift didn't.
I made plenty of mistakes over the last 21 years. I've hurt a lot of people and have said some hateful things. I was miserable, lost, and confused when they were younger. I hid a lot of my hurt from them, almost never letting them see me cry. I now realize it was an unhealthy way to cope. While I like to think I am (wink), I am far from perfect.
I always told people "my kids didn't ask to be here or raised by a single mother, so why should they suffer?" They shouldn't, and I tried like hell not to let them. So when they got made fun of in intermediate school for wearing a "champs" hoodie, when Nike was the popular one, I ran out and got 6 hoodies in 3 different colors. Any sporting event they wanted to do/try despite how much it costs to sign up, I sacrificed. I'd get the same 12-hour notice most moms got when a school project was due the next day. I often called my BFF at 10 pm to see if she wanted to tag along for a Walmart run to get the supplies needed for the project.
I swear it was just yesterday that both girls were in grade school, and my little AJ was sneaking out of kindergarten to go to the water fountain because it was near Victoria's 3rd-grade class. She'd often sneak into the classroom for a hug. Both of their teachers were amazing for allowing them to "sneak" those hugs.
Wherever Tori went, Addison trailed behind. Addison became the little sister to many, and it showed today when both her big sisters showed up to watch her walk the stage.
I have no idea where the last 12 years went, I swear I blinked and it was over. One minute it's preschool graduation and the next it's high school. I wish someone would have told me years ago to cherish every single minute of the late-night softball games or the annual choir concerts. I wouldn't have gotten so mad over the last-minute project designing, even though I don't have an ounce of artistic ability!
I know I messed up as a mom, I was uptight when it wasn't warranted. I put pressure on them during sporting events and their academics, even though I barely graduated HS. I remember panicking at a softball game because Victoria was running around with the team and I couldn't see her. I always worried about both girls going missing. I'll never forget being called the "helicopter" mom because I always wanted to know where my BEBs were. Sadly, I took it as a compliment.
Parenting is hard! It doesn't matter if you have a spouse to share the responsibility with, it's still hard. Watching your babies grow up is hard! Watching them fall out with friends is hard! Watching them make wrong choices in HS is hard! Being a single mom is freaking hard!
I'm not going to pretend that life was perfect for us, or that I didn't struggle with the choices I made. I don't think I would change one thing over the last 22 years, other than I'd laugh more, I'd take more pictures, and I'd be more supportive not just with the good things in life, but the bad as well. I wouldn't lecture as much, or expect perfection. I'd allow my BEBs to be kids, wild and carefree!
If you would have told me at MY high school graduation that I'd be a mother at 19, I would have laughed in your face. Yet, here I am at 40, and both girls have successfully completed their high school career. One is in school for criminal justice deciding between being a lawyer or paralegal, and the other is headed to OU for speech pathology and eventually wants her Doctorate. Like really, Red? I like to think I played a small part in their success growing up. I couldn't have asked for better girls.
So where do I go from here? I have no clue. I have no idea what my purpose is in life, other than being a mom. I have accomplished the most rewarding gift God has ever blessed me with, and I have no idea what the future holds for me. What I do know is I will continue to support, educate, and fight for my BEBs with whatever they may need. I will continue to be the only thing I was ever good at, being their mom.
If I could offer one piece of advice to all new MOM's I would say "let them enjoy life". It's okay to be protective, it's okay to want more for them, academics should come first. Your athletic days are over, let the kids play. Let them suck, it's okay to strike out, or miss the foul shot, even if you know their capabilities. Everyone has an "off" day, so why are we so harsh when it's our kids? Let them enjoy the memories with their friends, movie nights and football Fridays! Educate them and talk to them, but ultimately let them decide their future.
While I sit on the back deck writing this and contemplating my summer plans, I leave you with this. If you see me wilding out in my 40's this summer, know that I earned it and I am going through one of the most difficult times of my life. If I want to seek solace in adventuring out on my own, let me! I promise I am fine.
Comments