My thoughts get drowned 🥺

I hate the weekends. I typically pick up doubles so I'm not left home alone with wandering thoughts. This weekend I only had one extra shift and a whole lot of time to dwell. Thats exactly what I did. I was consumed by my thoughts and left heart broken. Still so confused on how we got here. 💔

A good friend stopped over Saturday night to drop off a book "when God winks at you", 🙏🏼 which reminded me of how much I miss church. I asked her if she would go with me and she suprisingly said "yeah i'll go".We talked for a little bit until the kitchen became surrounded by 20 year olds who were getting ready to hoop it up. I so badly wanted the physcial activity but knew they wouldn't let me play. My girls get so mad when I impose on their "friend" time. We watched from the sun room, until I got the bright idea of changing into my basketball shorts and throwing my hair up like I use to when I played HS ball. 🏀

I walked outside prepared for the oldest to yell at me. They actually got a kick out of my "uniform" and allowed me to play. It was two on two. There were three uncoordinated women on the court and one 6'5 basketball star. Did I pick him to be on my team? Of course not, that would be to easy. The first game was pretty close, my team was up until half-time. A two minute break turned into a 20 min half-time show. I took full advantage of everyone else needing to use the bathroom, but this girl. I practiced lay-ups and passing, three pointers and drop-rolls. I was ready to dominate this game.

The other team finally comes back to the court, it's 5-4 us. We were playing to 7 and only needed two points. TWO POINTS! For those of you who don't know, I'm extremely competitive. The aggressive player showed up, I turned into Dennis Rodman the thrid quarter. I passed the ball and we scored. It's now 6/4. Tori's team is up, the 6'5 kid shoots and drains it. Oh boy, we can't let this happen. I lose the ball and they score again. Crappp!!! CMON we need this win! I want to be able to brag that this 40 year old lady just crushed a bunch of 20 year olds! I want the bragging rights!! 😬

Our ball gain and we only need ONE point. I shoot and AIR BALL, the other team saves it and shoots again. It's a swish! Game over. I'm livid. I can't let this happen. One more game? They were eager to play, but was I? I'm out of breath, my body aches and I really don't want to lose again. Screw it, we're playing! Second game ended the same as the first! I personally think they did that on purpose. They let me think I was doing good and had a chance, only to destroy me with two minutes left! I lost TWO games!!! I'm declaring a rematch next weekend after I condition all week! 🏃‍♀️ For the record, there's a video floating around some where! 😜 I slept like a baby Saturday night.

I woke up this morning eager to get ready for church. I text the friend to make sure she was ready and still going and she said "yup". I scooped her up around 9:45am and we headed to crossroads church in Austintown. ⛪️ It was a big congregation but not overcrowded. The message was perfect for two newbies walking in.

The pastor was hilarious but his message valid. He said "Jesus made people his mission", meaning be kind to every one. Don't judge, don't get mad if someone wrongs you, don't force someone to be or do something you want them to be/do. Share the word, share your experiences but don't force it upon people. I'll definitely be back. 🙌🏼

Since my Sunday's were usually spent with JM I was feeling some type of way. I wanted to go for a road trip to my favorite spot that we shared, my favorite memory with him. I text another friend and asked if she wanted to go and she said "yeah i'll go". Geneva might be my summer hang out this year. We walked the strip and sat at the beach soaking up the rays. I took multiple pictures so I can compare them to last years visit with my man. It definitely isn't the same without him, but the sun was good for my soul. My heart broke every time I saw a biker. At 37 years young I road on my first harley with my JM. I never appreciated the sun beaming on my skin or the wind in my face, like I do now.

I don't think anyone understands how much I miss him. 🥺 How often I am left alone trying to hide my tears. Every time I think about him my heart hurts, every time I think of a memory my soul aches. If only you all knew him like I did, or saw him how I saw him. None of this makes sense. I try like hell to hang on to the faith I have, every night I talk to God and beg him to guide me. I beg for strength, to ease my mind, to heal my anger. Every morning I wake up a little less anxious than the day before. Clearly he hears me cry. 😢

For those of you wanting to go to church but don't know where, try crossroads in Austintown. If you don't want to go alone, call me! I'll pick you up or meet you there! We can embark on this journey together! You are not alone. God hears you, too!

Some of you might not know who MY JM is, give me a month and that story will unravel. Until then if you can continue to pray for him, I'd appreciate it! We need God's guidance and strength! 🙏🏼 🤲