I had a meeting a few weeks ago with my bosses. I never know walking in if it's good or bad, some how I'm always prepared for the worst. It's no secret of what happened or what I'm going through, so they pulled me in to see how I was. I don't even think I knew how I was until they asked. Turns out, I'm still a basket case. LOL
I wasn't sure why they were asking, nor did I realize they cared. Turns out, my employer is way better than most, and my bosses? Freaking amazing! When this first hit the media two years ago, I for sure thought I'd go back to work and have no job. At the time I don't think many people knew who he was or that I was invovled with him. Not that I was hiding it, but my life is my life.
They had some concerns with my mental health and working 70hrs a week, and while I argued "I'm fine", I genuinely was not. I started to answer the question and said "I'm going to start crying", in which I did. Sadly, I am a baby at heart! I explained to them that I was overwhelmed with work but that I have a lot going on in my personal life. At that point I was drowning with every thing else I was dealing with, They understood.
They told me they didn't want me working overtime any more, I wanted to negoatiate at first since I have two in college, just lost my insurance benefits, planning a graduation party, and have now inherited 6 other bills, ontop of mine. How am I ever going to make it work without the OT. I thought about it for a minute, looked at them and said "ok". Trust and believe RED knows her limits. I know everyone worries about me, especially my kids and JM. The one thing about me, that I've learned over the last six years is when I start to become unbalanced, I speak up, I know when I am spiralling.
My one boss looked at me and said "ok well that was easier than I thought", and we laughed. I think they were expecting me to fight a little harder but I knew at that point I was broken and needed some time to heal. The first few days of working normal hours was kinda weird. I was bored and in the KITCHEN....... A LOT!! I've gained 11 lbs and I am absolutely disgusted with myself. However, I am slowly trying to muster up the will to get back into my workouts and eating healthier.
I'm a week in with no overtime, and guess what? I'm at peace! I managed to work on things for the grad party, type several new posts for the blog (which will be published by next week), and spend time with my girls. My mental is finally starting to recover from all the trauma and grief. While the guilt is still eating at my soul, I am coping the best I can.
Not working OT is only temporary (hopefully) and while I may have a stroke the month of June trying to figure out how to survive, you better believe I am relying on MY GOD to get me through. I was born and raised in the catholic church, but lost my faith throughout the years. I've always been a believer and pray often, but things never seemed to go right. It was always one negative thing after another. Until, I totally surrendered and asked God for guidance.
I'm going to say this again, and I a mean it. When things went south in February I, along with everyone else (who truly know me) were expecting me to be on the psych floor, and I wasn't. The only reason I survived the last 4 months as well as I have is because of my faith. There is NO way I was strong enough to handle every single thing that was thrown at me during the first two months, not without God.
I am not the perfect catholic/christian. I'm a sinner like the rest of you. I swear, I get angry, I had pre-marital sex my whole life, two children out of wedlock. I was a theif (not making excuses but I was 16), experimented with drugs, and drank until I blacked-out. I hurt people with hateful words, and caused more heartache I care to admit.
I am the epitome of failure, disgrace. Guess what, God still showed up for me. God gave me the gift of being a mother, even when I didn't deserve it. I often tell people that God knew I was going to die if he didn't intervene, and I became pregnant at 19. He has saved me countless times, c.o.u.n.t.l.e.s.s. This time isn't any different.
Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, however you're feeling. Thank him, trust him, and surrender. Filled with fear, worry, and anxiety? Surrender! I lay in bed most nights and say my prayers. It's repeititve but I say them. I have conversations with him in the car if I'm feeling overwhelmed, or I'm angry. I yell, scream, cry, and say "I hate you, why me". He doesn't judge and he hears my cries. I thank him every night for allowing me another day.
I am not going to sit here and "preach" to those of you who don't believe. It isn't my goal to change minds. I just want people to know how amazing he is and how blessed I am. I know it doesn't seem like it at first when things are really dark, but if you continue to have faith and trust him, his timing is impeccable.
Isaiah 41:10 - Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand
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