I haven't been posting much on my Facebook, but I always login so I can check the "memories" for that day. I'm often baffled at the younger "Red" and how idiotic I once was. It's scary actually, and I apologize!
All I have are the memories from the last five years. February 28th, 2024, I was left to make new memories on my own. Fighting a much bigger battle I ever anticipated. I scroll back on my camera roll to see exactly what I did in March, May, and June. The pictures are mind blowing to me. No recollection of any of it.
I don't know if it's because I was living in a constant fog or adjusting to the new norm. My nickname is "dory", but to not remember life changing conversations utterly scares me!
What I do remember vividly is the 28 days in February. I remember working non-stop and being told "you're going to regret not spending time with me". I'd look at him, laugh and grab my stuff and left for work. I didn't want to face reality.
The reality was, I could lose him in 28 days. I kept telling myself "There is NO WAY God is going to take him from me, not after everything we've been through". Then I remembered "I begged God two years prior to remove him from me". Begged. What kind of person does that?
For two years I watched the man I fell in love with slowly slip away. I ignored the signs of depression, suicidal ideations, and manic episodes. I couldn't handle it. He spent months isolating from his friends and family. I'd often find him in bed sleeping all hours of the day and night or tinkering with his projects to keep his mind busy. He quit going grocery shopping, movie nights were obsolete, and car part shopping was now a chore.
Everything he loved, he quit doing months before trial. Everyone knew the plan, but no one wanted to address it. No one wanted to confront him.
Since we have quickly approached a year, I thought I'd share the regret I do have. I regret picking up extra shifts to stay busy and not feel. I regret drowning in self-pity and poor choices. I regret giving up on myself and allowing my hard work to be diminished. I regret not listening to John and I regret not trusting him (I'll go into more detail later in the month).
I typically don't have a lot of regret, but the last three years I've been covered in them. The what if's and unknown. The regret, remorse, and heartache I feel every single day. It's like a thousand pounds crushing my soul.
Instead of giving up, I'll continue to do the one thing I know how to do, fight. I won't let his name die in vain and I won't quit searching for the truth.
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