John and I had our first date at the Lily Pond in 2019. I know most of you have heard this story, so I'll spare you the boring details. We actually met a few times there. It was a place where I felt calm and at peace. Going for walks on a crisp 60-degree day made my soul feel good; I felt at peace.
It's been three years since I last visited the lily pond. I often forget about it. When I wanted to start walking again, I knew the perfect place to start. I left early that morning. I parked on the opposite side and hiked down. It took about 1.5 miles to get there. I soaked in the beautiful scenery of the fall leaves. The trees are stunning this time of year.
As I turned the corner of a winding road, I could see the parking lot. I stopped for a moment and gazed into the distance. I envisioned our first date and the nerves that overtook my body. I remember getting out of the car first and waiting for him to exit. He opened the door and grunted as his 6'2" stature climbed out of his Chrysler 300. He had a black shirt on that read "I'm always right" with something on the back (can't remember). He wore black basketball shorts and white Nike dad shoes.
As I stood there waiting to walk around the pond, several things reminded me of him. Every bench we sat on to talk, the bridge where we made out like high school kids, the trail we walked on our second date, and the big open field we sat in during a "deep" conversation.
Even the smell from that morning reminded me of that first date. I was instantly flooded with the memories of babe, and I didn't want to be. I hate thinking of our first date; what was once a joyous moment has now become a part of the "what ifs". What if we met at a different time in our lives? Where would we be?
I continued to walk around the pond, stopping every few hundred feet when I'd see something that reminded me of that first date. Even the trees looked the same. I'd stand there for a few seconds, replaying what we did or what was said at that very moment. I'd smile and continue on my walk until the next trigger hit.
I finally made it to the end. I took another quick glance and smiled before heading back to where I started. As I walked out of the parking lot, I felt hurt, sad, angry, yet cheerful. I made my way back down there. How can I have a million different feelings after one walk?
I finished the walk and got back to work. I stayed busy and focused the rest of the day, but when I got home, I couldn't stop thinking about that walk. I kept visualizing what the trees looked like, how the bridge swayed from side to side as I walked across, and how the squirrels ran up the trail using the leaves to keep their balance.
It's been three days and I can't get that walk or our first date out of my head. I become angry, hurt, and broken every time I think about either. I get such comfort and peace while I'm there, but when I leave, I'm numb. I am numb to the fact that I will never have a normal relationship with him. Numb because our last time laying next to each other was legitimately our last time. It was our last hug, last kiss, last car ride, last dinner, last laugh. It was our last of everything.
I am not hopeful for his appeal in November, so I am trying to accept and adjust to our new "norm". I'm not sure I'll ever get used to it. It's unfair to think about. A government that was built and designed to protect and honor the citizens (after all, they work for us) has lied, cheated, and manipulated the system into an 18-life sentence for a man who has NEVER been in trouble. I have no faith. Numb to everything.
1 Corinthians 16:13
"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong"
Komentarze