"Love each other as I have loved you".
This is what the sermon was about at church this morning. I listened intensely to the Father talk about God loving everyone, even the sinners and how we are supposed to do the same. I felt a weight lifted as he described God's love for everyone. The first thing that came to mind when I was listening, was forgiveness. It was that moment I decided to forgive "her" for her lies, her manipulation, and her hatred towards me.
How can someone despise another person they don't even know? Your guess is as good as mine, I'll never understand it. I left church with an overwhelming sense of joy; the negative thoughts no longer consumed my mind. I am hoping to maintain the mind frame I am in, where I choose kindness and love above all else. I'm sure my patience will be tested, and she'll post something that makes me laugh and question her mental state, but I will continue to pray for her.
Three months ago, I wanted revenge. Every night I would plan on how to expose "her", how can I get her to admit to the truth. I had several different scenarios played out in my head, especially after she messaged me wanting to meet up and "talk". Honestly, I wanted to go. I took some time to weigh the pros and the cons and discussed with several friends who all advised against it. I kept telling myself by her reaching out, is a sign and I should go. I wanted to wait a few weeks for my emotions to calm down before responding, but I never got the chance.
My emotions will never calm down. Every day is a new emotion. It could be fearful, happy, heartbroken, miserable, excited, or numb. I would imagine the numbness fades, but the heartache stays the same. I don't want to meet her, nothing good is ever going to come from it, and what exactly do we need to talk about? I'm not even sure how you had the balls to message me requesting to meet up, but kudos to you. I could never.
I'm going to assume by me not responding has been the fuel for all the MEMEs about me. This is why you and I are so different. I'm still trying to figure out if I am the roach, pig in a blanket, or raccoon. Can you clarify for me? Please!! LOL
I was bitter for a long time, hateful, and angry. I no longer have the spiteful feeling I once had when I heard your name, or the disgust when your daughter would tell stories. I've hated you for a long time for pretending to be someone you aren't, for playing the "victim" when you created the chaos. I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for the people you have lied to, cheated on, and manipulated. It takes a sick individual to wreak havoc the way you have.
I thought of all these things while sitting in the pew this morning. I thought of every single reason to hate you and God kept yelling "love others as I have loved you". I was actually annoyed, thinking "why, why do I need to love people who have hurt me". Then it hit me. How you choose to carry yourself, and treat people, does NOT define who I am. I don't need to retaliate when it's meaningless to me. If you want to be bitter and hateful, that's your right.
If you decide to be hateful, I will pray for healing. If you want to be vengeful, I will pray for your peace. If you choose to be spiteful, I will pray for compassion. I will love you while you mock my faith, as God has loved the worst parts of me. I will love and pray over every part of your life. I hope someday you see how amazing God is and you can forgive the unhealed versions of you.
"you're soft and skittish you're the raccoon".
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