The first of many without him. I wasn't expecting Christmas to hit as hard as it did, but boy did it knock me down. I've been extremely emotional for the last two weeks, thinking of the "what if's" and crying alone.
He'll never fully adjust to prison life. I'm not sure I can adjust without him. I know what you're thinking, "co-dependent". I've thought about that, I've even brought it up a few times. I don't think we fit the definition. You have to understand, I've dedicated my whole life to being a mother. When their father left, I wasn't in a committed relationship until I met John. That's 15 years of being s.i.n.g.l.e.
I finally meet a guy who isn't abusive, works, and isn't an addict. He wasn't emotionally available when I first met him, but he became attached. I think when a man spends years in an abusive, (mentally, emotionally, and physically) they become less attached to the possibility of meeting someone who can love them.
The last two years were spent loving each other. Don't get me wrong, we'd argue but nothing compared to the compassion we had for each other. John will tell you; he has never felt that kind of love.
My weekends are dull. Well, to be honest there miserable. Every weekend for the last two years was spent with him. Movie nights were our favorite. I can't stop thinking about our last weekend, ordering take out and watching scary movies until our eyes drifted. Cuddling on the couch so I could "pet" him until he fell asleep.
Every day reminds me of him. There isn't one thing that doesn't. I've cried more this month then I probably have in the last 10. I was a basket case after the guilty verdict, but I went into fight or flight mode. I didn't have time to feel.
Maybe I'm just now grieving the loss of everything we had and shared. Maybe I'm just now realizing the odds of ever having a movie night, are non-existent. Bike rides in the summer and cooking out are a thing of the past. I will never understand how quickly things escalated; how horrible our court system is. How corrupt the prosecutors were just to score that "win".
I'll never understand how she stood there and let the beating occur yet had the audacity to play "victim". I'll never understand how we missed the weapons used, the missing footage, the jurors coming forward, and the lack of investigation.
I'll never understand this corrupt system. I wish I did. Until things change, I will continue to be his voice. I will continue to share his story, and advocate for the hundreds of men and women incarcerated because of this corrupt system.
Galatians 6:9: "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up".
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