To grieve means to experience or express profound mental or emotional suffering or distress, often due to loss or regret. You don't have to actually "lose" someone to grieve them, it can simply mean they aren't apart of your every day routine any more.
I have been trying to process losing my SO in February but life events haven't allowed me to. I was instantly bombarded with threats, harassment, and immaturity from other people. I had to put all my feelings and emotions to the side and figure out how to handle the cops being called, the threats, and the nightly phone calls. One wrong move and I'd lose every thing.
I spent three months trying to figure out what to do, how to do it, what needs done, and where do I start? I was instantly overwhelmed every time I thought about every thing I was responsible for. What if I screw it up, what if people come after me, what if the threats continue, am I doing every thing I possibly can for him? I convinced myself I could be doing more, what I was doing wasn't good enough. I convinced myself that I, wasn't good enough.
It's weird, because I also felt like I needed approval from people. I would often call our friends and drive them absolutely insane with questions and scenairo's that I played out in my head. I was in search of someone guiding me without me making the decisions, this way if I listened to someone else, it was now their fault it failed! It never happened that way though, one thing about RED is she is going to do what she wants to do. No one is going to convince her otherwise.
We are almost four months in and things have calmed down a bit. Although I still have a million things to do, I try not to think about it. A co-worker told me during the first month, when I couldn't make it through a conversation without crying that I was in the grieving process, but because of every thing else going on, I wasn't able to properly grieve. That stuck with me.
This will be my first birthday in 5 years that he isn't here, the first summer, first fall, it's the first of many that I won't have him with me. I think that's what I need to process. I don't know how to process things normally, so I would imagie this "new" life is going to be wild to navigate. I can't imagine not being able to share in the joyous moments with him, or spending the summer on the bike, road trips, and our endless movie nights. I can't quite fathom not having any of it.
Every one grieves in their own way. Some over do it with work, take long drives while listening to sad songs, or even shut the world out and act like nothing happened. That fake smile is killer when you don't know it's there. Whatever your process is, there is no time limit.
When God wants to move you to bigger blessings, He'll allow a heavy storm to pour over you. Every plant grows after the rain.
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