Anyone else affected by the full moon on Thursday? No, just me. Cool.
I haven't been to Sunday service in weeks, but I try to go to the morning mass during the week. Tuesday was a wild day filled with that "high" we often get when something amazing happens. I was emotional, but in a good way. The more I replay certain events the more bitter I become. I went to bed that night asking God to take that bitterness from me. To remove the anger, I have for certain individuals. For the most part they don't cross my mind often, but when they do, I can't help but feel a hateful rage towards them.
I've been trying to get rid of one bad habit at a time, the first one I decided to work on was swearing. For two months I have kept the swearing to a minimum, only ever saying "sh", or "da". Wednesday was an absolute nightmare of a day. For a solid HOUR every word out of my mouth was the F word. I was loud and obnoxious, making my anger known to those who had nothing to do with it. Ultimately, I was trying to defend a friend who was in an uncomfortable position. No one came to assist, which left me enraged. Two days later, I realize how inappropriate my behavior was and how apologetic I am for responding the way I did. It's utterly insane.
Thursday. Oh Thursday. First thing I did that morning was check my online banking to see if my check was deposited. I have every bill known to man set to auto payments, with a scheduled day of, Thursday. This week was no different, except.... banks were closed for Columbus Day. My check was in, but it was "pending". Do you know what wasn't "pending"?? My BILLS!! Every single auto payment came out that morning putting me in the negative. I quickly transferred money from an account but felt immense guilt as the money in that account was not mine. Stressed, worried, anxious, annoyed, is what Thursday came with. Panicked over other situations I am responsible for but can't quite make it quick enough, if you get my drift. I got home from work that night around 12:45ish, sat in bed wide awake until 3am filled with anxiety. I finally shut it down and asked God to take it from me. Please, Lord. I need you to take every ounce of worry, shame, guilt, fear, anger, from me and allow me to trust in your timing. I repeat this daily.
Fun fact Friday. I woke up this morning exhausted and under the weather. I attended my DD medical appointment at the CC and then headed into work. I get a call from my youngest who is having the most miserable time in college due to roommate issues. Why are girls so evil? Like why can't they just be happy and kind to other girls? Eh. No joke, I whole heartedly should have been a dude. Luckily, after a week of trying she finally gets the roommate situation taken care of. She is happy but annoyed with the process. I told her to call me later so she could move her stuff in and tell me how it went. I get a facetime at 9pm, she's hysterical. Please, Lord I can't handle one more thing. I ask her what happened, and she said, "this week has been a literal mess like why". She proceeds to tell me her cell phone broke, and she can't turn it on or off, like it's dead. Her words "I didn't drop it or nothing, so I don't know what happened like why is everything bad happening this week". My response "babe start praying, when you grow closer to God the devil attacks full force". I tried explaining to her it wasn't a big deal, and she'll survive a few days without her phone. Joke was on me, she in fact will NOT survive without her phone for 30 seconds. I just want to die. Another expense that I genuinely cannot afford but will make it happen. As God has always protected and provided for my girls. Some days, I don't know how!
Defeated at this point is an understatement. I'm starting to wonder if I'm broken, because life is so cruel right now, I can't take much more. I'm in my head tonight. Thinking of ways to "hustle". One thing about me, I will figure it out. I always figure it out. I just don't know how much more I have left to fight. I truly don't. Could it be worse, without a doubt. How do you mentally prepare for worse when you think you've already hit it? Ohhh, pray for me. Pray for us all!
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