If you're fortunate enough to have some strong solid women in your life, keep them. This journey has been difficult, and I'm infamous for isolating. I'm usually in my own little world secluded from the outside. Unfortunately, my girls don't let me get away with it.
They give me space when needed but will consistently send me messages checking in. While I appreciate those messages, part of me just wants to cut ties with the outside world. I have my girls who keep me motivated, but everything else in my life is consumed with John stuff. Though it's exhausting most days, it'll always be worth it.
I had a phone call earlier this week from a friend. We were just talking about life and how things were going with John. I always hate answering because I know most people don't understand.
Her next words "take this how you want to take it but being your friend, I'm going to tell you not to put your life on hold". She continued to explain what she meant, and I understood. I totally understood where she was coming from. Not that I feel the need to explain myself, or what I'm doing, but I feel compelled to "make it make sense".
John, growing up had a horrible childhood. His parents were addicts and he was homeless by 15. He carries a lot of guilt over his brother's death (motorcycle accident) and had to identify the body. A traumatic event.
He met his (estranged wife) when he was 19. She actually cheated on her boyfriend (at the time) with John, and John had NO clue she was with someone. That's how conniving she is. John not having a clue what love is, opted to stay as it was his first serious relationship, and one he felt close to since his brother passed.
They were together for 18 years, married for 12. Out of those 18 years there have been countless affairs, missing money, and unpaid expenses. Often leading to arguments and excuses. John absolutely loved this woman to put up with this kind of manipulation, and use. She clearly took advantage of him in more ways than one. Life isn't always perfect, but John always tried to see the good in other people.
In 2017 John was on his way to work and was at a red light when a car pulled up next to him and open fired. They recovered 75 shell casings, and when YPD responded they encouraged John not to move as they assumed he was hit multiple times. When John got out of the car, by the Grace of God he was hit once in his ribs but was blocked by the coat he was wearing.
Now, right around this attack the employer she worked for had a large sum of money come up missing. I can't remember if she was terminated or if she resigned, but either way it was ironic. Looking back at the events from 2022 and 2017, I whole-heartedly believe this was an intentional "hit" on John for insurance money. We'll never be able to prove it, but again I find it incredibly ironic.
John endured all of this within his 18 years with her. Again, affairs (numerous), missing money, unpaid bills, and questionable behavior. So, when I met John in 2019 I could tell he was a "broken" man. He was quiet, shy, dorky, looking for acceptance. Wanting to be reassured.
Within the first 6 months, I became pregnant, and our relationship was tainted. I, being the overachiever I am (insert chuckle) pushed my way back into his life so I can hopefully show him what love is. It took a while, many disagreements, and multiple "I'm done" before we got to where we are now.
I asked John a while ago, when he thought he fell in love with me. This is a man who does NOT talk about his feelings and avoids hard conversations. He said, "I don't know", but when I asked again, he said "I don't know when you made me water-gate salad for my birthday".
The first time I made John his favorite dessert was November of 2019. I don't believe for a second he loved me then, but I do believe he had strong feelings for me because in those short 3 months I had already showed him what compassion was.
I want to make myself perfectly clear, so listen up. I am not putting my life on hold, when part of my life is locked up at NCI. I am not giving up my hopes and dreams, or the goals I promised myself I'd accomplish. I've accomplished more in the last 6 months than I have in the last 6 years.
I am a business owner, I am an ordained minister, I'm a notary, and I still teach myself weekly ASL. I've found ways to give back to people and it's my greatest pleasure. I do it, in honor of John. I motivate myself, because of him. I have never wanted to be more educated and diverse than I have right now.
I haven't opened a bible in 15 years. I haven't consistently gone to church in 30. I've done some questionable things in my life but being loyal and dedicated to the people I love, isn't one of them. I certainly won't walk away in his time of need. I have NO clue what my future holds, but I guarantee John will be a part of it.
One day I'll make the news as a prison reform advocate. Hosting events, spreading awareness, and advocating for those who don't have a voice. Until then, I will continue to support John and educate myself in this cruel corrupt world.
Philippians 4:6, which states: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
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