Fights

I can be a total B sometimes, always taking my anger out on others. Usually, John or my girls. Today, it was John. He is always excited to see me, and I made sure to do everything in my power to cause a fight. At first, I was being serious. Like my poor little feelings were hurt over something so stupid. Instead of RED letting it go, she had to continue being a jerk for the last hour!

I talked to him one time after visitation. I knew by the sound of his voice I hurt him. I apologized but it didn't matter. The damage was already done and the hurtful words that poured from my mouth can't be reversed. Usually when we fight, I say my peace and leave. I ignore him for a few hours or a day or two before going back and apologizing for being a petty B I. I can't do that this time. I can't go back and hug him and apologize. I annoy myself sometimes.

When I tell you I am difficult to handle, I'm not exaggerating. Very FEW people can handle my mood swings, attitude, and spitefulness (although I am asking GOD to work on it with me). I've gotten better, but I do catch myself being a jerk sometimes over dumb stuff. I just think it's who I am, it's my personality.

Yesterday's visit was packed. A lot of families visiting LO's. John is partially deaf, and my hearing isn't the best either. The weather was nice but chilly. I kindly asked John to sit outside for a few minutes to get away from the noise, and he said, "I don't want to it's cold". For those of you who don't know, John is always HOT. He sweats eating a meal. I told him it wasn't that cold out and he said, "the last two nights have been freezing in here, and I don't have a blanket I don't want to go outside to freeze".

I let it go, but the more I thought about it the more annoyed I became. So, what did I do the last hour of our visit? I said some ignorant, hateful things that made him cry. Why, why am I like this? I even told him "I don't care I am tired of doing everything for you and the fact that you can't sit outside with me for 20 minutes is selfish". I wanted him to think about everything I do, and the little he does for me. Not realizing how hateful I was being.

He called me after the visit was over, in which I apologized by asked him if he understood where I was coming from. He said he does but didn't think it was a big deal, and honestly, he's right. He continued to say, "I look forward to seeing you every week and you constantly pick fights with me, why"? Hmm, buddy. I don't know. I'm borderline crazy?

I am so conflicted on everything it's truly a miracle I stay above ground. I trust God wholeheartedly, but I also question some of the challenges we face and wonder why God doesn't shift them. I don't even know how to describe it.

Our communication has gotten better, but I still pick fights over stupid stuff to make him mad at me, or to hurt him on another level. Seriously, someone tell me why I do this!!! If I could take back some of the hurt, I've caused people over my lifetime, I truly would. I adore this man, his gentle nature. I truly don't deserve someone like him, and I'm not sure how he's put up with me as long as he has.

Keep praying for us, his mental is a mess and clearly, I'm not doing well either!