Emotional

I don't know if it's the racing thoughts, or being overwhelmed with the insane amount of stuff I need to get done. I sat at the house Friday night pulling weeds that were growing out of the drive-way. I had my workship music playing, so I was jamming. I had sweat pouring out of my body, and all of a sudden I was filled with sadness. I started crying in the drive-way asking God "why me, like can I catch a break".

It lasted 5 minutes and I went right back to pulling weeds. I think at that moment I realized that every single person I thought I could count on, never shows up when I need them. Don't get me wrong, when I ask MY people to help, most of them show. It's the times I don't know how to ask for help, or I don't ask because I know everyone has their own crap to deal with. I don't expect anyone to come through for us, I never really have.

I am the type of friend that shows up unannounced. If I know you're going through it, I'm not waiting for the invite to hang out or help. Im 100% showing up whether you like it or not. I'd like to say I'm a private person, but clearly I am NOT. I keep certain aspects of my life private, but most of you know I hate handouts, and I don't ask for favors often. I rather do stuff on my own to avoid disappointment. It's just incredibly overwhelming when I do.

I had a visit yesterday. I was so excited to see him that I left two hours before I normally do, which left me hanging out in the rest area for 90 min. I've been "off" the last few days, weird feeling. I've been out of my thyroid medicine for a week (forgot to get a refill) so I'm hoping my levels are out of wack and I'm not actually losing my mind. Whatever it is, it has me all over the place.

We had lunch together. It's been 5 months, 20 weeks since we shared a meal together. Not that prison is the glorified place to be but they do offer a lot of programs that I was unaware of. I was able to place an order to an outside catering place and they delivered our meals the day of the visit. I got the chicken caesar salad and babes got the brunch burger (which looked delicious).

We finished our lunch and started talking about some random stuff. Nothing out of the ordinary. I look at him as I am attentively listening to him tell me a story about something that happened earlier that day. I might even be gazing at him. It then goes quiet and I am rushed with sadness. My heart breaks for him, it aches at the thought of every thing he is going through.

I see a gentle man when I look at him. I see someone who is suffering from PTSD, I see someone who has a great deal of remorse, and anger. I see someone who is hurt and broken. Someone so fragile you have to be careful with your words. I look at him, and my heart literally aches. I don't get it. I truly don't get it. I start sobbing just thinking about every thing. I am having a full blown panic attack in the middle of visitation. Eh.

I finally calm down and I can see the worry on his face. We started talking about the case briefly, and his eyes fill with tears. I'm not a medical professional, but it doesn't take a genuis to figure out that this man suffers from PTSD and isn't being treated for it. All my healthcare workers know this is a recipe for disaster.

Visits are never long enough, but I appreciate whatever time I am given to see him. We hugged and I went to the door to wait in line for the CO to let us out. I stood in the back as I could feel the emotions suffocating me. I went to my locker (the same one I've been using for two months) and I couldn't figure out how to put the key. The tears started to fill my eyes as I am fighting the urge to have another panic attack. For some reason the key isn't working! The guy standing next to me points and says "it's this lock". I was so distraught to notice I was putting the key in the wrong lock!

I luckily make it to my car without tripping up a curb or running into a car. I sat for a minute before doing my update on tiktok. As I am thinking about what my update is going to be the words "prison reform" enter my thoughts. I did my update, typed my destination into my GPS, and prepared myself with workship music for the 2 hour drive home.

Do you ever wonder what your purpose is in life? Do you have any fulfillment with what you currently do? When I had both my girls my goal was to try to be the best mom I could for them. The sacrafices I made over the years will never compare to the love, joy, and excitement I get for being their mother. Every thing I did was for them and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Where does that leave me now? Now that they're older and becoming young women their needs aren't as severe as when they were younger. My duties have been limited and I often ask God what my next journey is. What is my purpose for this next chapter? Where exactly do I go from here?

Besides being a mom, the only other joy I get out of life is helping others. I don't get to do it nearly enough, but when I do, I am humbled. Maybe this next chapter is about growth and awareness, or prison reform. Maybe it's about sharing love, and light and spreading the word of the Lord.

I don't know what I am doing for this next chapter. I don't even know what I'm doing tomorrow. What I do know is I will continue to be his voice, even when EVIL tries to destroy us. I will work on being a better version of myself, a more faithful and dedicated version of RED. I am not perfect, chances are i'll make more mistakes than I can count. What I won't do, and I am hoping you guys won't either, I won't give up on him. I won't quit fighting for the truth, despite how difficult it gets, or how worn out I become. He is worth every tear of this horrific nightmare.

I will advocate until everyone know's his story. This isn't where it ends.

Ephesians 4:31-32. “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”