Despair

I had a nervous breakdown yesterday. Shocker, huh? I hate to sound like a broken record, but I can bet it was due to sleep deprivation, and being overwhelmed in my personal life.

Trying to advocate for John is by far the toughest most time-consuming thing I've ever done. I try so hard to be available to everyone, remain hopeful and positive. Not realizing MY life is falling apart in front of me.

Over the last 5 months I must have sent 500 letters to various churches, second amendment activists, businesses, forensic experts, and political parties. I've gotten minimal responses, but MORE than I thought I thought I would.

I was able to connect John with a Pastor out in Caldwell. He's seen him a few times in the prison and will continue to see him monthly. John is still hesitant in his faith, but the power of prayer amazes me. Anything is possible.

I've received messages from forensic experts willing to look at the footage and to guide me with next steps. Unfortunately, due to John's current situation and change in Attorney's I haven't been able to respond.

I've had a few businesses subscribe to the blog and I am hoping to gain as much public recognition I possibly can until John is home, with me.

The higher courts have responded and sent out books to assist with him criminal case. I received a sweet letter from Ohio's Representative and another one from the Govenor's office.

John told me earlier this week he received legal mail from a non-profit out in Cincinnati but couldn't remember the name of it. I had no idea who he was talking about so of course it caused an argument. Two days later I finally figured out what agency it was and encouraged John to fill out the form.

We've been having some issues with John's discovery and miscommunication between Attorney's. Last night, after several calls and emails I finally sat in my car screaming and crying. I'm not entirely sure why people feel the need to "play" me. I can't figure out if it's because I'm a female, or uneducated. Either way I was over it, and last night I let it show.

The stress is starting to attack my nervous system, or my ulcers are back and causing severe stomach pain. I can't handle it. No, I really can't.

I'm ending the work week at 60 hours, and next week will be another 65. I decided to give my extra shift this week away and spend two full nights and days in a hotel with my favorite ladies.

I need a break. I need a break from work, life, research, and advocating. I told the girls I plan on spending two days in the hotel binge eating and watching movies. I don't want to do anything for two full days! Just hanging out with my precious babies and ignoring everything else that is falling apart around me.

I know God is good always, but I am struggling. I miss John, I miss my girls, and I miss me. I know you all have kept us in your prayers, and we appreciate that more than ever. Please, please continue to pray for us. We are besides ourselves and incredibly defeated.