I struggle making decisions, spur of the moment decisions usually end up in disaster. Epic fail, failure! Thats what I like to call myself when I screw up royally. I hung up on John tonight, a decision I made in the heat of the moment. Will he call me before bed? I'll be suprised if he does.
After I hung up my oldest sent me pictures of her new tattoo's. I'd say she's like her father in that area. As I'm sitting at the desk contemplating my life choices I decided to throw a shirt on and go to a local shop that take's walk-in's. That was probably my second bad decision.
I showed him a pic of extactly what I wanted and he drew it up. I sat in the chair, blinked and it was done. My second tattoo will forever be on my body, whether I like it or not. Luckily, the two tattoo's I do have come with meaning.
This tattoo is a nailed cross, heart, and semicolon. All of which mean something to me. Although I was born and raised in the catholic church, I some how lost my faith over the years. When John got his guilty verdict in Febraury I thought my world was falling apart. Only MY GOD pulled me out. I will forever be devoted. I've always been obsessed with hearts, probably because it was the only object I could draw in art class. The semi colon is a symbol of hope for people who have battled depression, anxiety, addiction, and other mental health issues. It's supposedly a sign to represent and share personal strength to overcome internal struggle.
I can guarantee half of us can relate to the semi-colon, but I didn't get it for me. I got it in honor of my youngest who attempted s u i c i d e in 2021, and spent 5 long miserable days at Akron main. I got it in honor of John who spent 7 days fighting for his life after his attempt. I got it in honor of those who have lost a loved one, and those who have contemplated whether or not they belong.
I seldomly make last minute decisions like this, and for a split second I had regret. As I sit here and type this out I can't help but get emotional. I can't help but to think of all the loved ones who's lives were cut short, the families who grieve and long for a hug from their loved one. The children who didn't think they had a purpose, the children who were hurting.
I fought with John all weekend. Last night was the worst. We had a great visit Saturday, and I miss him more than you'll know. I give 100% in every thing I do, sometimes to the extreme. Taking care of his needs is no different. I am responsible for a lot of his stuff on the outside, and I often feel like I am letting him down. We're five months in from the guilty verdict and I have a MILLION things going on, so when he questions me I get defensvie.
We were talking about the 10 different projects we have going on and he had the nerve to say "if you didn't wait 5 months you wouldn't be rushing around". Clearly, I didn't respond well to that comment. I'm not entirely sure what you think I'm "waiting" on, but I can assure you that's not what I'm doing.
I explained to him every thing I have going on in MY personal life (kids, college, work) that hinders me from being at his beckon call. He understood, but still questioned every thing. I tried again "babe, I don't know if you know this but I'm a single mom, I work 70hrs a week, helping my youngest prepare for college, my oldest is sick and in and out of the CC for appointments, I'm meeting with attorneys, checking on the house, going over evidence, writing my blogs, advocating for you, and TRYING to maintain my CRAZY".
Maybe I dropped the ball with some stuff, but how could I not. I'm overwhelmed. I'm beyond overwhelmed. Let's not forget the nickname my kids gave me....DORY! With everything going on, how could I not forget a thing or two? He ended up apologizing and said "you know I can't handle this stuff". Yes, babe. I know. I can't get mad at him because he was a ball of nerves when he was a "free" man, and now that he isn't, he's a whole mess.
He doesn't know how to handle his anxiety and depression. He's awkward, and since his attempt in February his memory has diminished. It's sad, really. The guy use to remember everything, but since dealing with so much trauma he's now become DORY 2.
Welp, he just called. Have I mentioned I'm a very difficult person to handle? I love this man, I adore him, and I need him. We aren't perfect, and some may question why I do every thing I do for him, and the short answer is..he deserves it. The long answer, the long answer will be shared for another day.
I'm back in my feelings which means it's bed time. I'm going to have my conversation with God and continue to ask him for guidance and strength. Pray for John, pray for healing over his body and mind. Pray for strength, what these men (women) go through in prison, isn't for the weak.
Mark 11:24 - Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.
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