I'm miserable. It's a combination of sleep deprivation and being sick. It started with a cough in September and has spiraled since then. I've been on antibiotics and steroids, and nothing has put a dent in my chest congestion. Friday morning, I woke up with VERTIGO! The worst possible feeling, ever!
For those of you who haven't seen my tiktok (meow30154) I made it 6 whole days without checking the docket. I've tried to stay busy for the most part, so I don't have time to think about it, it's worked as I haven't been tempted to check either. I keep waiting for my phone to ring instead.
I've said this in a previous post, I'm not sure I can handle it. The emotions I already have from the whole nightmare trial still randomly creep up on me, not sure why this would be any different. I've been a mess lately. Emotionally distraught.
John actually apologized earlier in the week for being inpatient about everything. I explained to him how I was feeling, and he claims he understands. I swear I don't think that man has a social or emotional clue how life and feelings work. I don't even know how to explain it. I accepted his apology, but deep down I'm still so annoyed with him.
He called me Friday night (8ish) in which I've been in bed since 6pm. I was dozing off but answered as I was missing him big time that night. I explained to him I was sick and had vertigo. He asked what it was, and I told him. I explained I probably have it due to this upper respiratory crap I have going on. His response "oh want to look someone up". I said "no, but secretly wanted to know the details to so I did". I gave him what he needed and put the phone back down so I can fall asleep.
Five minutes later he asked for another one, in which I said "no, okay what's the name". His response "I don't know". Now I'm instantly annoyed! How the heck you going to inconvenience me and then say, "I don't know". It took everything I had not to be a total B! I let it go and closed my eyes, before I totally drifted off, I hear "you have 1 minute remaining". We said our goodbyes and I told him I was going to bed "love you, say your prayers get some sleep".
I slept a solid 16+ hours. I woke up semi-early to meet with a patient who decided to cancel at the last minute. Whatever, I'll just do some cleaning around the house. I spent two hours going through things and throwing stuff away before I said "nope, I got to go back to bed". My head instantly felt clogged, and I had a hard time finding my balance.
I climbed into bed where I dozed off for an hour and felt full of energy. I did more cleaning and around 5:30pm babe called. I asked where he's been and told him I've been waiting all day for him to call. He said he went outside and talked to a few people and decided to call me.
I was in the middle of putting a new nose ring in but because I went so long without one, I had a hard time shoving it back in. I was talking to myself "oh man gosh it won't go oh I dropped it", and he says, "will you stop that". I said, "no if I don't put it in it'll close". I kept trying but it wouldn't go in. He said, "okay I'm going to go". My response, because now I'm instantly annoyed "okay bye".
I could tell he wanted to talk longer and that he wasn't expecting my response to be "bye". At that point, I was over it. I'm miserable sick, and two days prior I sent him a huge message explaining to him how I feel. I even made the comment "I guess you didn't read my message". He ended up saying "okay bye" and I said "bye" before he hung up.
I don't know if it's because I'm sick, or exhausted, or missing him (I respond different when I miss someone.... OKAY) that I am on edge or a combination of all three. When I tell you I've been extra moody, sometimes I wish someone would slap me and say, "chill out".
For John, I think it's warranted sometimes. I totally understand he isn't thinking of anyone but himself, and how miserable he is. This isn't new. We're almost at a year and he hasn't adjusted at all? I can't do this for the next 18, I really can't. I can't handle the mood swings, the negative outlook, the lack of conversation, or the one-word answers. The smartest man I once knew has now become the dumbest.
I don't expect to be catered to, but to not ask "hey babe how are you feeling", knowing I'm sick as hell truly freaks my nerves! It's the lack of compassion, common sense that gets me. We're going on a week of straight fighting and getting on each other's nerves. Usually, this crap only lasts a day or two. Am I wrong to feel this way?
I'm just so annoyed an irritated with everything. I need a vacation, by myself in a hot tub for 7 days. No phone, no internet, no socialization, nothing. Just a hot tub where I can scream and cry if needed and no one will hear.
Did I mention I haven't checked the docket in 13 days? LOL That's the only positive for this week, I actually did what I said I would.
That's all. That's my rant for the week. Remember to check me out on tiktok (meow30154) and sign the petition.
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