We have a visit tomorrow. It's been 10 weeks since I've seen you without glass standing in between us. If you would have asked me three years ago where I'd be in life, I can almost guarantee this wouldn't have even crossed my mind.
We've been through some wild times together, but this one obviously tops them all. I wonder what people think when they hear of you, or me? Am I expected to walk away and not support you through all of this? Are you expected to live happily ever after in a place that causes misery? I just don't know what the outcome will be and that scares me.
I have a confession, that only a few people know about it. I don't even have the heart to tell you but the guilt of keeping it in is obviously destroying my soul. Maybe if I'd confess to the world, they'll condemn me, and I'll feel better about myself. In some sick twisted way, I want to feel punished, or hated so you aren't the only one suffering.
The begging of July 2022 I was on my way home from your house after one of our petty fights. I'm sure it was something stupid that escalated into my feelings getting hurt. I did what I typically do and storm off. Forget being an adult, Megan just run away like always. I know you hated that more than anything, and I did it every single time without fail.
As I'm getting off the freeway crying because I didn't want to leave but I wanted my "point" to get across. I prayed to God that if you weren't supposed to be in my life that I needed him to remove you because I couldn't walk away. I begged him on that car ride home to remove you, I pleaded with him. I expressed my love and frustration and told him I wouldn't be able to walk away. I loved you so much and wanted so much more for us, but knew you were too afraid to let me in. So, I begged, I literally begged him, babe. The guilt eats at me every single day.
A week later it happened. You were put into a situation to where you had to decide whether you wanted to live or die. How other people don't see it that way, I will never understand. I put myself in your shoes on that day and I'm not sure I would do anything differently, especially when it comes to my girls. I will defend them until my last breath, I will destroy whatever man/woman comes for them. I would expect any parent to do the same for their child.
I wanted to tell you that last week when I talked to you, but I knew it would make things worse. You are struggling with your faith, and to hear the one woman who loves and adores you, prayed for you to be removed from her life, will destroy whatever hope you have left. I already know.
I've asked you a million times if you blame me for any of this, if it ever crossed your mind that this whole thing was my fault. Your response is always the same "no, not ever". I don't know why you don't blame me, because I would. The regret I have over this whole nightmare of a situation is something I pray God takes from me before I cause more damage.
I don't know what it is about you my little JM but I adore you. I'd move heaven and earth just to make sure you felt love, peace, comfort, and happiness. You deserve to feel loved, special, and important. The last 4 years and 8 months with you have been nothing short of amazing, with challenges along the way. I wouldn't trade any of it, not for a second.
My visit just got cancelled for tomorrow. He's being shipped out. I guess this is my new life, the life I never expected to have. It's the same life that grew me closer to my faith. They say God knows your plan before you're even born, I certainly hope that's the case as I firmly believe this isn't where our story ends. We have purpose baby, and it's a going to be filled with love, laughter, and happiness. We just have to make it through the rough part. God prevails and delivers to all. We will conquer!
Be strong and let your heart be courageous, all you who put your hope in the Lord.
Psalm 31:24
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