I've been behind on publishing because, well life gets in the way. I dropped the baby off to college two weeks ago. Life is already shifting without her here. So many things to get used to. I'm pretty sure her big sister took it the worst. We cried the 3-hour drive home, and when we hit the driveway, we couldn't stop.
I walked into her room that night and lost it. The life of any party is off making memories and enjoying life. Little does she know I'll be down once a month joining in on those parties (kidding)! Can anyone slow down time?
My life is a chaotic mess, always has been. I never do things "normal", always have to add some "pizzazz". If I'm not running in 30 different directions daily, than I'm off balance. I often wonder how people survive being "normal". There is absolutely ZERO normalcy in my life, although I may fantasize about having a "normal" life at some point, I'm not even sure I'd enjoy it. I remember sitting on the stand while John's attorney asked me some personal questions. They were simple questions so the jury could see I'm a normal basic person. One question in particular stood out, that I never thought about prior to that day. "Are you looking forward to being an empty nester". My response "no no". I obviously elaborated during trial, but the nerves got the best of me, so my train of thought was all over the place. I've thought about that question at least once a month for the last 7 months. As a parent in my teens, I've given up everything to raise my girls to be respectful, kind and caring, to be morally and ethically sound. I never dropped them off with the grandparents so I could go out on weekend adventures with friends. I never ditched them for a "lover", and I never put a soul before them. Every sacrifice I made, I made with them in mind. Every decision I made, I included "how would that affect them". At 19 years old my whole life was dedicated to them, and I wouldn't change it for the world. So, when I am asked if I'm excited to be an empty nester, I get emotional. I become selfish. I don't want my babies to grow up, I don't want them to go out in this cruel world without their MAMA protecting them. I don't want them to experience heartache and suffering, poverty, and economics. I want them to stay young forever, so I can protect those broken hearts, and shield them from this hateful world. I have no plans for my future. I often joke with friends that if they see me wildin' out in my 40's they need to mind their business because I was raising girls in my teens! Yet, I have absolutely NO intentions of wildin' out in my 40's, 50's, or even in my 60's! I am perfectly content, always have been with being a mother. It is probably the hardest and most selfless job a woman can handle. The rewards are endless. I have no clue where my life is headed, but I know my greatest achievement is being their mother. If I leave this world any time soon, I will leave with the memories made, and love given.
Psalm 127: 3-5 Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him
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