Things are different this year. Instead of past celebrations of dinner and cake with friends and family, it was just me and him in a prison visitation room. It was cold, loud, and dim. I did order lunch for us instead of eating out of the vending machines.
I got him the double hamburger, cookies and chips. I indulged in the chicken Caesar salad and my favorite vending machine snack, combos! He got emotional a few times, but not over his birthday. He got emotional over the appeal and how it isn't going to go through.
I find it difficult encouraging him, when I deep down know it's going to get denied. I get sick thinking about it. The whole county is corrupt, how can I expect anything different for the appeal? The only words I seem to have when he talks negative is "we can keep fighting babe". How long will this go on? How much longer can I keep fighting against people and politicians when I'm a nobody?
I'm exhausted. Every single day I am tired. I hate getting out of bed most days, but it's exceptionally worse now that winter is here. Can someone please just punch me in the face and snap me out of it.
I love the holidays. Spending time with friends and family, signing, dressing up (although I stay consistent in sweats and a hoodie), yummy food. I suspect this year to be different. I still have my girls, my clients, my family, but I don't have John. I think deep down I'm miserable but putting a mask on to hide the pain.
Maybe I'm trying to be strong for him. I know he hurt when he knows I'm hurting, so I tend to keep the sadness to a minimum. I do keep myself occupied 24/7. If I don't drown myself with work, I drowned myself with projects. I think a part of me is missing, and I have no clue how to fill the void, so I just stay busy the best I can.
Don't get me wrong, I am surviving. I am okay! I don't want pity; I don't need pity. I need justice, I need the truth to come out, and I need John. I want John. I am so over crying and replaying the memories of the last 5 years. I'm over it.
I feel like I am grieving. Grieving the loss of our future, grieving the only other man I've ever seen myself with (my kids' father was the first). I've done some screwed up things as a kid, is this payback?
I got to see John on my birthday, and I went to see him on his, but it isn't the same. It'll never be the same. Somehow, I am expected to move on and let go. Let go of all the laughter, annoying moments, and weekend movies. Yeah, I can't let go. I won't let go.
Oh babe, I know this isn't where you planned on spending your birthday. I hope you know I will show up for every birthday, every Thanksgiving, and every Christmas. I will continue to make memories of special events and include you in all of them. Happy birthday babe, I love you endlessly.
Matthew 5:4: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted"
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