Do you know how angry I was when we got the guilty verdict? I remember sobbing hysterically after I heard the first "guilty", by the third "guilty" I had to shove the sleeve of my jacket in my mouth to prevent myself from hyperventilating. I remember him standing up so they can handcuff him. He looked at his son and said, "I love you", he then looked for me and said "Megan, I love you".
A deputy brought me tissues, while another one came over and said, "you're doing better than I could". I begged him to open the doors so I could leave. With the threats John received from the other side the deputies were doing crowd control. He opened the door, and I ran out. I remember running down five flights of steps, tear filled eyes. I was holding my breath running down so people couldn't hear me cry.
I went to my car and drove home. I remember getting home and jumping in the shower. For some reason I thought a hot shower would make the pain go away, HAHA it didn't. I then put my comfy (my fat) clothes on and went to his house. I remember walking through the front door, looking around in each room as if I was searching for something. I had NO clue that morning I'd be leaving without him. I for sure thought we'd get a "not" guilty.
I have thought about a certain juror quite often. I even tried looking her up on Facebook, thinking maybe we'd have mutual friends. I even asked our attorney if he knew and if I could have her name. Unfortunately, he wouldn't give me her name. I quit asking as I didn't want anything to jeopardize John's chance at appeal. I'm not sure I would have been able to refrain from reaching out to her.
I had to go to the courthouse this week, THE courthouse. I dread even driving past. I pulled into a parking lot a block away from where we parked during trial. Certain things clearly trigger me. I went through the metal detector where the same deputies stood to check us in for trial. As I was aimlessly walking around, I saw a face that has been embedded in my head. I will never forget it.
We made eye contact and the look on her face said it all. She knew exactly who I was, and she seemed excited. It almost felt as if she wanted to say or tell me something, but she couldn't. Neither of us could. I just can't get that imagine out of my head, and it's hard to explain.
I so badly want to talk to everyone who sat in that courtroom for two weeks. I have so many questions that I want answered, but not sure it'll even matter. Eight months later and I still can't wrap my head around the whole situation. Every single time I think about it, a part of me dies.
I can't wait for his episodes to air on A&E, this way the whole world (or whoever decides to watch) can see the type of man he is. He isn't the man the news made him out to be, or the statements that were made the day of the incident. This isn't him. This was a man who was provoked, mocked, harassed, and brutally attacked.
God, I miss him. My heart longs for him. Tremendously.
Psalm 34:18: The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit
Comments