April 7th

When I heard the guilty verdict on February 28th, I ran out of the court room and didn't look back. I jumped in my freshly new smelling Honda and drove down 224 in complete hysterics. I pulled in my driveway and wiped the tears, so no one knew I was crying.

I ran upstairs to my room, stripped my court clothes off and jumped in the shower. For some reason I thought a shower was going to make everything better. It didn't.

I put my fat girl clothes, jumped back into my car, played my F you music and drove to John's.

When I pulled up his drive it hit me harder than I ever thought imaginable. "We're never going to have Taco Tuesday or weekend movie nights". I walked into the house and looked around. I looked at the couch we just bought and thought of every movie we ever watched. Laughing and staying up late. I looked in the kitchen at the stove and remembered every meal he ever cooked. Frantically running back and forth between the counter, stove, and fridge. Hoping he didn't over cook his pasta and meatballs.

I went back to the living room, sat on his couch, grabbed an old shirt and laid there until I cried myself asleep. I napped for an hour or two before going back home into my bed. Ignoring every call and text I received. I genuinely hated everyone and everything. I was so angry, so bitter, so hateful.

I spent all of March trying to sort out his affairs. I met with several different attorneys after being bombarded with threats and demands. The thought of making the wrong move paralyzed my soul. Every day was chaos, and every day is a complete blur.

April rolls around and his sentencing was scheduled for the 9th. We are six weeks into this nightmare, and I haven't had a second to gather my thoughts or grieve properly. His friend called me religiously, just to check in. He knew how important John was and how much I loved him.

For six weeks he asked me to go out with them, his words "chill you need to relax before you stroke out". My words, "I'm good". The infamous "I'm good". I declined every offer until April 6th. I just got off work and he called to let me know they were all going downtown and asked me to join. I declined at first, especially because these young lads don't go out until 11pm. I'm usually in bed by then. I decided to go knowing sentencing was in a few days and I'd be an utter disaster.

I called my girlfriend who secretly had a "crush" on another guy who frequently hangs out with John's crew. She was shocked I asked as it was 10 o'clock at night, BUT she agreed. I changed my clothes really quick before picking her up. When she got in my car, she had the same thought I had on my way to her house "I can't believe we're going out".

We met them at a bar downtown, had a drink or four before switching to another bar in Campbell. I had a long island iced tea and several shots before adventuring to our final spot for the night.

I'm two trash bags away from puking. You know the feeling when your mouth starts to water and quiver? I don't even know how I walked into the third bar, but I did, and it was filled with people. No joke half of Mahoning County was down there. I was obnoxiously friendly, no cares in the world. Typically, you'd never find me a dead in a place like that.

John's friend was at the bar ordering my chicken tenders to dry up some of the alcohol poison. I'm like a rose in between a million thorns, just off to the side with a stupid smile on my face and my eyes half closed. I hear a familiar voice; I perk up and there she is. A girl I use to work with years ago and shared many midnight shifts discussing our "men" issues. I tapped her on the shoulder, gave her a big hug and caught up for 30 seconds before I hear someone else say "we have to get her out of here".

I'm still standing off to the side with that stupid smile on my face, no cares in the world and the bitterness that now consumes my soul. My girlfriend grabs me and says, "we're leaving, now". I can sense the panic in her voice. I have two people holding on to me to escort me out the club. John's friend sees us leaving and walks us out. He says, "I just ordered her chicken tenders". My girlfriend replies "f the chicken tenders we're out". She's lucky I'm not coherent at this point because if RED was alive and well, I never would have allowed her to talk about my chicken tenders like that!

I barely, I'm not exaggerating, made it to my car. I fell into a guardrail and had to be holstered up by two individuals. I'm still obnoxious at this point until they drag me to the car, open the door and throw me in. Like a sack of potatoes, they just opened the door and let me fall right in.

I remember sitting in the passenger seat sick to my stomach. I am starving yet nauseated. They were kind enough to take me to the McDonald's drive-thru for a 10-piece chicken nugget meal. I can't remember but they often remind me that we waited 35+ minutes in the drive-thru for those nuggets! They finally arrive and the smell put me over the edge. I couldn't eat them and let me tell you, I heard about it for DAYS!

I felt the puke coming, but I couldn't put my head up long enough to get it out. We drop our people off and I somehow made it to my bed. After that, I have absolutely ZERO recollection of what happened, how I slept or where. I don't even remember changing clothes. I don't know who walked me up the steps or what time I woke up the next day.

Know what I do remember? Feeling numb that whole night. The pain and heartache didn't exist for those few hours. I had absolutely zero thoughts of the night. Meaning, my mind wasn't racing.

I also remember being absolutely mortified when I was reminded (and reminded often) of how belligerent I was. I had no idea I consumed that much alcohol in such a short period of time. As if I was in high school and my body could recovery like a 16-year-old girl.

His friend called me the next day to check up on me and to remind me that he ordered chicken tenders and had to give them to someone else. I told him how sick I was, and he said, "no dude I know I have never seen you like that do you remember falling over the guardrail". As a matter of fact, I didn't.

April 7th, I woke up and said, "nope you won't be spending your nights like this". I had to convince myself that alcohol, drugs, rash decisions were NOT going to be beneficial for John. I refuse to be that girl. The girl who suffered so bad in high school and hid behind alcohol and drugs. Nope, I'm not becoming her again.

I've had one drink since that night, and even that didn't taste good. My lovely friends thought it would be cute to take pictures and videos of me passed out in the car. Pictures I will keep forever to remind me of a heartbreaking moment in my life. A memory that will haunt me forever.

Waiting for my nuggets!