I've been neglecting the one thing I enjoy doing, writing. I've done a million other things since we're four days away from oral arguments. I've been trying to stay busy to keep my mind from racing, but that's been an epic fail.
I sent 60 more letters out last weekend to churches and have 60 more to send. Did I mention how expensive stamps are! I wish I could retire and solely focus on advocating for people. I swear it's a full-time job.
The attorney's called me today to confirm who John wanted to do the oral arguments. My whole life I tip toed around people's feelings because I didn't want to be the bad guy or hurt others. Today, I didn't care. We are fortunate enough to have two well respected, educated, attorneys. Both of which are capable of doing the arguments. One, however appears to be incredibly close to the case and takes things too personal.
Towards the end of the conversation I broke down, I am still so hurt and bothered by so much. I explained to them that while our preference is with ONE person, I don't care who does it. I begged them to please make sure they are prepared and to only focus on John and this case. They obviously promised me they would, and I have faith they'll deliver.
Do I have faith in the system? Eh, not even close. Since filing for the appeal in April I have pretty much prepared myself for the worst but am hoping for the best. While I pretend, I am ready to have a continuous fight, I am only 9 months in and utterly exhausted. I can't imagine doing this for 18 years.
At what point to you throw in the towel and realize it isn't in your favor? That the courts and politicians are too powerful for you to fight against? At what point do you start focusing on your wellbeing? Genuinely asking.
I say I'm exhausted, I say I can't imagine doing this for the next 18 years. I pretend I'm moving through life perfectly fine. I pretend to smile, laugh, and enjoy the small things.
Truth is, I'll die fighting. I'll die fighting for anyone and everyone if I believe in them. If I believe they were wronged in any way and I am there only hope, I will fight. I will make their story heard, send letters, and rally together. Again, John is no different.
My babes. The man I wasn't expecting to meet, but thankful I did. Through the good times and bad. I hate the month of November. My little James Michael would have been 4 on the 9th. Instead, he gained his angel wings in April of 2020.
Maybe that's why I've been emotional. I lost my baby boy, and there's a good chance I'll never have a normal relationship with John....again. Yeah....this suck.
My mind is everywhere tonight. Talking in circles, laughing and crying. On the plus side, I'm still surviving. I still have faith.
I have one small request before I end the night. On Monday, November 25th at 9:30am if you call could take a moment, where you are to say a prayer for John, his attorneys, the Judges, and prosecutor I would greatly appreciate it. As none of this makes sense, and probably never will, God does, and I believe in the power of prayer!
"I know that the situation is in Your hand, and I trust You. I beseech you for strength and for wisdom that I would be able to endure his situation and be able to handle it in a way that would bring glory to Your name".
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